tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68222295722534973892024-03-04T23:28:25.335-06:00You Read My MindRebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-4129992054287309302011-06-08T23:19:00.039-05:002011-06-09T00:25:47.299-05:00My ListTonight I was flipping through my journal and stopped on an entry that I wanted to share with you:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0); font-style: italic;">March 23, 2011</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 204, 0); font-style: italic;">I really should be going to bed, but I had a moment of clarity today, and I needed to write it down. It hit me that my ex isn't the right guy for me. The right guy will want to be around me all the time. He'll think I'm beautiful and will make sure I know that. He'll make me a priority in his life, regardless of whatever else he's dealing with. With him, I'll never question whether or not he's "into me" because he'll show me in the way he looks at me and how he touches me. He will want to kiss me and won't let months of dating pass by without at least trying. He'll hold my hand. He'll hug me more than just to say hello or goodbye. I won't have to work so hard to get him to pay attention to me or want to spend time with me - he'll do it on his own. I won't feel inadequate or ugly or unworthy of his love. I will feel like we are equally yoked. I'll be able to openly share my sadness and frustrations without worrying that I'm a burden on him. I will be myself and will be happy doing so. I will feel cherished. I won't doubt his intentions. I will feel secure in our relationship. I will put his needs above my own, but he will do the same for me. That way we will both be taken care of. These are things I hope for in a companion. I'm not saying he has to have/do all of these things, but I would like him to strive for it. I want to be loved and honored and cherished. These aren't things my ex is capable of doing for me. I hope he'll be able to do that for someone someday, but in my heart, I know I'm not that girl. I hate admitting that because I love him so much. I'm grateful that I love him, though, because it gives me hope in finding love again. It also gives me a guideline for what I can expect in the future. I'm sure Heavenly Father has someone amazing in store for me - someone with most of the qualities I adore in my ex but who can fill in the gaps where he was lacking. I hope I can find that guy. And I hope I can be the girl he has hoped for. I'm definitely a work in progress.</span><br /><br />I've often wondered if I had unrealistic hopes of what I wanted in a companion. I avoided making those <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">dreaded lists</span> of what I was looking for because I felt they filled people with an unhealthy desire to hold out for that <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">perfect person</span>. Without realizing it at the time, however, I made one of those lists three months ago in that journal entry. As I read my simple words tonight, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I never would have imagined that only one month after writing and praying about them, I would find the exact man I wrote about. What a tender mercy! If I ever start doubting the Lord's hand in my life or feel that he's not answering my prayers, I will look back at this journal entry. It reminds me that I am not alone; I am honored and cherished by a loving Heavenly Father. All I have to do is ask and wait in faith, and he will answer my prayers. This knowledge gives me hope.<br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">... But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith,</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" ><br />(</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/1?lang=eng">1 Nephi 1:20</a></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >)</span>Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-64379401076119380902011-03-30T17:12:00.008-05:002011-03-30T17:29:06.841-05:00Expressing appreciation<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" >"Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate<br />someone, don’t keep it a secret." ~M. K. Ash</span><br /></div><br />A few days ago my mom told me that she has always thought of me as a happy person. This statement really stood out to me for two reasons. First of all, I haven’t seen myself as the most positive person lately and was beginning to wonder if I’ve always been this way. Hearing her words helped me remember that I am happy by nature and gave me hope that I can be that way again. The second reason her comment meant so much was because she doesn’t typically offer encouraging words like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and have no doubt that she loves me. I remember the flood of emotions I felt when I read a paragraph she wrote about me in my application to Ricks College. She talked about attending one of my volleyball games and being impressed when I was the only one on my team who didn’t participate in a somewhat crude cheer. I didn’t even realize she had been watching me and felt so happy to learn I was acceptable in her eyes. Moments like that weren’t common in my family though. Most of us have a difficult time verbalizing our feelings toward each other.<br /><br />Over the years, I’ve become increasingly aware of my inability to express myself to those I love. Sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally stunted. I was especially aware of this in my last relationship. No matter how much I wanted to, I found it impossible to adequately express myself to the guy I was dating. I sometimes practiced conversations in my head so I could tell him what I appreciated about him and let him know how much I cared. When the opportunity came for us to talk, I blushed and stuttered and really struggled to get the words out. It made me feel like an idiotic school girl, so I just kept my thoughts to myself most of the time. I’m sad to think of all the opportunities I missed to point out his good qualities and thank him for the little things he said or did to make me smile.<br /><br />This is something I want to change about myself. I’ve been making it a point lately to tell my friends exactly what I appreciate about them. I’ll be honest; it’s been a real struggle for me. Sometimes I’m only able to do it via text messages or e-mail, but I guess that’s a start. Over time, I hope to turn this weakness into one of my greatest strengths. People need to know that they are loved and valued. They need to be reminded of their redeeming qualities. They need to know they are accepted, regardless of the mistakes they’ve made (or will make). They need to feel safe in sharing their hopes and dreams, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. I hope to feel that sense of safety in my next relationship. In order to feel that, though, I realize I need to first share more of myself. I’m a work in progress.Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-5306709562699081632011-03-27T15:20:00.068-05:002011-03-28T13:11:19.315-05:00Simple thingsI've been struck lately by the little things people do for us that leave a lasting impression. I'm not talking about huge gestures, like buying a laptop for a poor college student so she can succeed in school or helping to fund someone's mission (both of which happened to me). Those things will no doubt have an impact on their lives; I've been touched in many ways by grand gestures of love like these. I've also been touched by the little things people have done for me, such as calling me out of the blue (not realizing I was feeling lonely in that moment) or sharing a snack with me in class when my stomach was growling. These may seem like simple things, but they can really impact someone's life.<br /><br />The other day at Institute, our instructor was talking about the 4 Ts of love: time, touch, talk, and teach. Touch is the one that stood out to me, as my primary love language is physical affection. During the lesson, he quoted Dr. Harold Voth who said that "hugging can lift depression." I completely agree with that statement - I've always thought there was something magical about hugs.<br /><br />A few days after this lesson someone asked me to think about a time when I felt the most loved. I was surprised when the memory that came to mind wasn't something grandiose or spectacular. It was a sweet moment shared with a guy I was dating at the time. He and I had just gotten out of an Institute class and were standing by his car talking about our day. He asked me how I was doing and gave me a knowing look after I said I was fine. I then opened up about the struggles I was facing and how I felt so hopeless in being able to change my situation. He offered a few words of comfort and then pulled me close to him. I'm not sure how he knew, but that was exactly what I needed in that moment. Just a hug. A hug that told me he was there for me. A hug that reminded me I wasn't alone. A hug to release some of the pain and frustration I was feeling. A hug that would last as long as I needed it to. I got the impression he would have held me there all night if necessary; he wasn't going to let go until I was ready. As we stood there in silence, my racing heart began to calm down and my tense muscles loosened up. I relaxed my face on his chest and soaked in his familiar scent. I felt safe and secure with his strong arms wrapped around me, and for the first time in weeks I felt at peace. My burdens began to feel lighter as I sensed the love and concern he had for me. At that moment, I knew everything was going to be OK.<br /><br />I sometimes wonder if he will ever understand the impact that simple hug had on me (or if he even remembers that moment). I wonder if any of us will ever know the impact we have on others with the seemingly trivial things we do for them. Even so, I hope we'll all continue doing those simple things.<br /><br />During that Institute lesson, our instructor shared a story about a mission president's wife who was struggling with their new living situation. She finally hit her breaking point and exploded into tears while confessing to her husband how much she hated it there. Before finishing the story, our instructor looked at my friend and asked what he would have said in that situation. He thought for a moment and finally admitted he wouldn't know what to do for her. My mind immediately flashed to that night from many months ago. I looked over at him and smiled to myself thinking, "You would know."Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-54958196911160587662011-03-08T21:22:00.019-06:002011-03-08T21:53:37.322-06:00Backfired loveRemember that post from yesterday? Can I please just take it all back?<br /><br />OK, I don't really mean that - I'm just feeling frustrated right now. I hate when things I say come back to bite me in the butt. When I said I was going to love people more openly, I didn't realize just how vulnerable that would make me. Tonight I realized that if you're too kind and loving, it's that much easier for people to take advantage of you. Can't people just appreciate being loved instead of using it to their advantage? If it's so important to care about people, why does it sometimes leave me feeling so empty? Blah!<br /><br />On a positive note, this experience reminds me just how lucky I am for the friends who <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">don't</span> take advantage of me but actually love me back. Fortunately, those kind of friends far outweigh the ones who take me for granted. So... thank you, my friends. I'm grateful to have you in my life. :)Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-77281184338609027662011-03-07T13:40:00.021-06:002011-03-07T14:58:33.323-06:00Loving others, loving ourselvesI have an immense capacity for love; loving others comes quickly and naturally to me. I appreciate this about myself and consider it a special gift. However, I've learned to be very careful with this gift, as it often leads to disappointment and heartbreak. The other day I read a blog that helped me realize I shouldn't be so apprehensive when it comes to loving others. Rather, I should openly share that love with those around me, regardless of whether or not they are able to return it. I've started applying this in my friendships and already feel much better about life.<br /><br />I've decided that my loving nature is my favorite quality. What do you like most about yourself? I asked this question on Facebook last night, and below are some of the responses I received. What can you add to this list? Post your response in the comments.<br /><ul><li>I have amazing eyelashes and a kind heart (K.G.)</li><li>That my body can grow great babies, and that I am creative (S.G.)<br /></li><li>That I have a kind and loving heart and a beautiful daughter of God (D.L.)<br /></li><li>My ability to laugh in the face of great trial and adversity and ... well... pretty much everything to be honest (D.G.)<br /></li><li>My curiosity... I always want to learn more and know more about just about anything (C.W.)<br /></li><li>I'm learning to love my new scar, which reminds me everyday that I beat cancer (M.P.)<br /></li><li>What I like the most is that I am a hard worker, and that my self-esteem is robust and healthy (C.T.)<br /></li><li>i'm quick to forgive. i also really like that i have such a great appetite....mostly for chocolate chip cookies and ice cream :) (A.M.)<br /></li></ul>Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-51723222846480409332011-02-26T00:33:00.014-06:002011-02-26T00:59:59.950-06:00Control your thoughtsEarlier today I was talking to a friend about some things I’ve been struggling with, and I commented that I wasn’t really doing anything to help my situation. She stopped me and asked, "Do you <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">really</span> feel like you’re not doing <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">anything</span>?" I was taken aback because I hadn’t even realized that those words had come out of my mouth. In fact, I knew that what I said wasn’t even true - I have, in fact, been doing things to help myself. I even began listing those things off to her.<br /><br />That conversation has been replaying in my head all day. With all of the negativity I expose myself to on a daily basis (at school, at work, while watching TV, etc.), it never occurred to me that I was exposing myself to much more within the confines of my own head. Have you ever thought about that? I’ve always been aware of the negative things I say to myself consciously, but I never considered how often I talk down to myself without even realizing it. I wonder what effect that has had on my self-esteem.<br /><br />Last night at Institute* we talked about one of my favorite passages of scripture in The Pearl of Great Price*. Moses had just spoken with God who told him repeatedly, "Thou art my son." Moments later, Satan arrived and tried to tempt Moses. Multiple times he told him "Moses, son of man, worship me." Moses’s response always floors me. He looked at Satan and confidently stated "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?" (<a href="http://lds.org/scriptures/pgp/moses/1?lang=eng">Moses 1:13</a>) Satan continued tempting him but Moses knew who he was and stood firm. What an incredible example!<br /><br />I wish I could be more like Moses in times of adversity. After all, I know who I am. I am a daughter of God. Why is that so difficult to remember in times of challenge? How come it’s so much easier to look around and see the goodness in those around me? I’ll be the first to correct my friends when they talk down to themselves. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of negativity because I know it’s such a small portion of who that person really is. Shouldn’t we be just as aware of our own amazing qualities?<br /><br />This week my goal is to be cognizant of the things I say to myself. When those moments of self-doubt creep in, I hope I can follow Moses’s example.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Who art thou, Satan?<br />For behold, I am a daughter of God!</span><br /></span></div><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" ><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;">*For those of you who don’t know what Institute or The Pearl of Great Price are, click </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://institute.lds.org/faq/#what">here</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> and </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://lds.org/scriptures/gs/pearl-of-great-price?lang=eng&letter=p">here</a><span style="font-style: italic;">.</span><p></p>Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-77453772474832675632011-02-18T01:11:00.035-06:002011-02-26T11:34:46.763-06:00NoiseLately I've been reflecting on an experience I had while attending church with my sister. This particular church had a band that played music before the sermon began. When the pastor began to speak, I figured the band would step off the stage. Instead, they continued playing as he spoke. It was kind of a cool concept to have background music while he was speaking. Unfortunately, the music was much louder than his voice, and I had difficulty hearing the message. The few words I heard were inspiring, but the rest got lost in the noise of guitar strumming and drum rolls. This experience has stuck with me over the years. It caused me to reflect on the noises I allow into my life that distract me from hearing the word of God. In the scriptures, it describes the "whisperings" of the Holy Ghost and states that the Spirit speaks with a "still, small voice." With all the noise around us, how can we truly HEAR the word of God?<br /><br />Over the years, I've gotten into the habit of constantly surrounding myself with noise. Every time I walk into my quiet apartment, I immediately turn on the TV. It's not that I'm interested in watching it; I'm just uncomfortable with the silence. When I'm alone in my car, the stereo is always blasting. On school days, I wear my iPod from the moment I step out of my car until I reach the classroom. I constantly surround myself with noise.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why?</span></span><br /><br />Because when it's quiet, my mind fills with endless lists: Lists of things I've neglected to do and people I haven't called, of chapters to read and tests to prepare for, of bills to pay and groceries to buy, of choices I regret and decisions I need to make, of unanswered questions about my future. When it's quiet, I remember my failures, my fears, my weaknesses. I think about the people I have loved who will never love me back and I remember the emptiness I received in return for that love. When it's quiet, I remember how lonely I am.<br /><br />Maybe that's why I'm always turning on the TV or the stereo or my iPod. It's all I can do to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with life. And you know what? It works. That's also the problem though. I can't feel much of anything with all of this noise going on around me. How can I be comforted if there's a band behind me, overpowering the words God is speaking to me? How can I receive answers if I can't even feel myself breathe?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">So... </span></span><br /><br />I've decided to turn it all off. Turn off the TV, turn off the stereo, turn off my iPod. Not all the time, of course. I do love my music, after all. And how can I go a week without getting embarrassed over something idiotic that Michael Scott says or does? Occasionally, though, it's OK to listen to nothing but silence. It's not going to kill me if all I can hear is the ticking of the clock or the hum of the refrigerator.<br /><br />As I was driving to San Antonio last night, I remembered my goal and turned off the stereo. In that hour-long drive, I received some very distinct impressions about my life that I might have otherwise missed out on. Yes, I did feel a little overwhelmed by all the craziness flying around in my brain. And yes, a few tears did escape after all that pain wasn't masked anymore. But you know what? I'm OK. And I'll be OK. Because I realized this:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left; font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">The noise we allow into our lives may distract us from whatever it is we're hiding from, but it will never take it away. Silence, on the other hand, opens the doorway for reflection and personal revelation - both of which can provide healing.<br /></span></div><br />I'm setting aside time each day to allow more silence into my life. I think you should too.Rebexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13660123660773820742noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-84496996771956607212011-02-09T16:33:00.001-06:002011-02-09T16:38:06.599-06:00HugsI love hugs. They make me feel loved and protected and just plain happy. If I don’t hug you every time I see you, we’re probably not very close. That’s just how it is.<br />
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So anyway… there’s this guy I used to have a mini crush on. We went out a couple of months ago, and I realized he will likely never be anything more than a friend. Some people just belong in the friend box.* One thing that tells me we will never progress beyond friendship is that <strong><em>the dude cannot hug</em></strong>. Seriously! Every time we say goodbye, it’s the most awkward experience ever. It’s like that uncomfortable first kiss you see on TV where the people bump foreheads or noses or teeth. Yes, it’s that awkward. Can two people be so incompatible that they can’t even hug properly? After I last saw him, I decided I’m downgrading him to the “friendly acquaintance” level. What’s the point of hugging someone when you always walk away feeling like a complete idiot afterward? No point.<br />
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Am I the only person this ever happens to?<br />
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<em><span style="font-size: x-small;">*For all of you married people who are secretly judging me please understand that I’m not writing this guy off after only one date. Truth be told, I’d probably go out with him again if he asked - I just know it’ll never go anywhere. Cut me some slack.</span></em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-890160637490318502011-02-02T00:02:00.002-06:002011-02-02T00:12:42.007-06:00Leaving our netsHave you ever told someone to call you if they ever needed anything? Sure you have. I can't tell you how often I've used that phrase in my lifetime: To new church members, to family members, to coworkers, to the sisters I visit teach, etc. It's one of those polite things people say but that nobody pays much attention to, like "How are you?" Never once has someone taken me up on my offer to help if they ever needed anything. Not until tonight, that is. I answered a call from an unknown number and was shocked to hear the voice on the other end. It was someone I've spent a very limited amount of time with but who recently cut me out of her life (even though I was hardly a part of her life to begin with) because she "needed a break" from all things church-related. That's why I was so surprised to receive her call. I was especially surprised when she said, "I remember you saying I could always call if I needed anything. I feel really bad asking for your help, but I need it."<br />
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Wow! She called ME. I hesitated at first because her request was somewhat inconvenient and I didn't know how to manage it around my school schedule. Then I realized something. In life we are given rare opportunities to prove what we're made of, and we have to be careful not to let those moments pass us by. Do I want to be that person who worries more about how *I* will be inconvenienced, rather than about helping a friend in need? Or do I want to be the one who <a href="http://lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/-follow-me-?lang=eng">tosses her nets aside</a> and acts? We need to take advantage of these small opportunities, regardless of whether or not they fit conveniently into our busy schedules. Maybe this is my moment to prove that I'm not quite as selfish as I think I am. Maybe this is my chance to make a difference in somebody's life who is really struggling right now. Who knows? There's a good chance I'll never hear from this girl again after I do this favor. That doesn't really matter. What matters is that I chose to respond when the call was made.<br />
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<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">Will you do the same?</span></em></strong>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-18073832991670991802010-12-19T23:55:00.000-06:002010-12-19T23:55:26.658-06:00Roommate Bonding<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0ea4aHo5Ip0?fs=1" frameborder="0" height="344" width="425"></iframe><br />Guess what my roommate and I did this weekend to celebrate the end of the semester? Yep. Good times. I love my life. :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-85978368836601920532010-12-13T16:26:00.009-06:002010-12-13T16:57:16.132-06:00Smiles :)A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at work and began smiling for no reason. First I wondered what triggered the smile. Then I questioned, <em>When did smiling become such a foreign concept to me?</em> I've been thinking about that ever since.<br />
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You see, people often used to comment on the fact that I always had a smile on my face. Most of the time I didn't even realize I was smiling; it was second-nature to me. When I realized recently that smiling had become a rarity for me, it made me kind of sad. To me smiles symbolize hope, happiness, and healing. The fact I wasn't smiling was an outward representation of the frustrations and hopelessness I had experienced this year.<br />
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Fortunately, that sporadic smile was the first of many. Suddenly, smiling feels effortless again. This is partly because I survived one of the most horrid semesters of my life (yay!). But mostly it's because of three amazing women who came into my life at the exact moment I needed them. They brought me laughter when all I wanted to do was cry. They offered me unconditional love and acceptance when I didn't even know how to love myself. These ladies exude positivity. Being around them, I can't help but smile and be happy. Their friendship brought the sunshine back into my life. For that, I'll be forever grateful.<br />
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The smiling Rebecca is back! And I must say, it feels pretty darn good. :)<br />
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<em>In everyone's life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.</em><br />
<em> ~Albert Schweitzer</em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-31150959807596395302010-11-03T11:29:00.005-05:002010-12-13T16:50:42.295-06:00Broken: Me. Friendships.This has been an odd year for me. Everything in my life seems out of whack right now: school, work, church, my financial situation, my relationships. I’m not motivated in school, I can’t focus, and I don’t enjoy life like I once did. I just haven’t been myself. I keep telling my friends that I’m broken. Never has that felt truer than in recent days.<br />
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You see, I broke two friendships in the past week. One of them was with someone whom I love very much but just haven’t felt any sort of connection with lately. This might be due to my “broken” state of being, or it might be that the friendship has simply run its course. At any rate, it became clear that I needed to end our friendship, so I did it. While I’m heartbroken that I hurt her in that way, I’m convinced it was the right thing for me. Unfortunately, we still have to see each other at church events, and it’s just plain awkward.<br />
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Enter person number two. Remember how I said that everything in my life has felt out of whack this year? Well, there was actually one thing (i.e., a cool guy) that *did* feel good and right. Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy ended a few weeks ago, and now I’m back to feeling completely out of sorts. I would have done <i><b>anything</b></i> for him and stood by him through <i><b>everything</b></i>, so I was surprised that he wasn’t going to let me anymore. Things ended amicably but I’ve had a difficult time even being around him. Anyway, when I saw him last Wednesday night I felt like things were finally going to be OK. It was the first time in weeks that my chest didn’t tighten at the sight of him, and I could actually breathe. I felt at peace.<br />
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That peace ended quickly. The next day I got offended over something silly and sent him a heated e-mail. He could easily have written me off but instead took the time to patiently explain where he was coming from. I felt about two inches tall when I read his e-mail and quickly sent an apology. In my response, I explained to him why I reacted the way I did and thanked him for his patience with me. His short reply stated he would need some time to “digest” what I said before responding. That was several days ago. I’m not sure what I said that he needed to process first, but my intuition tells me it’s not good. I have a feeling that what I thought was a heartfelt apology only added to the hurt I already caused him. I’m at a loss for what to do. Things just aren’t going right for me this year.<br />
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<em>"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." ~Tom Gates</em><br />
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<em>"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." ~Ambrose Bierce</em>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-27974686011224762722010-10-25T11:08:00.004-05:002010-10-25T13:40:24.067-05:00Down With LoveI have a million different thoughts jumbled up inside me, but I can't seem to get any of them out. Once I do, I'm sure I'll have some brilliant beyond brilliant blogs to share with you (sorry it's been so long). Until then, here's a quote that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling these past few weeks.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-64663711125653166022010-04-09T13:02:00.003-05:002010-04-09T13:08:32.607-05:00Watch your stepBlonde Roommate has a cat that she absolutely adores. Cat likes to lie in front of my bedroom door so I trip over him when leaving for work in the wee hours of the morning. He is also quite smelly and likes to overeat. Because Cat overeats, it’s not uncommon for him to spew the contents of his stomach in random places all over the apartment. And it’s definitely not unusual for my bare feet to happen upon said throw up first thing in the morning while pouring myself a bowl of shredded wheat. It’s not something you want to feel between your toes, I’ll tell you that much. Needless to say, I’m not Cat’s biggest fan. So… does it make me a bad person that I laughed when I saw a large pile of steaming vomit just inside Blonde Roommate’s immaculate bedroom?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-90472852900676366162010-03-07T20:40:00.190-06:002010-03-08T01:47:26.380-06:00The Finish LineThis morning I had the opportunity to volunteer at a half marathon with a group of coworkers. My assignment was to hand out water and Gatorade at mile marker 6. The last runner to pass our station was a man in red shorts. He looked tired and downtrodden but seemed determined to continue on. As he accepted the Gatorade I offered, he made the comment that we could pack up and leave because he was the last one. I informed him there were still a few more people (we had just been told that), and a shimmer of hope flashed across his face. A moment later I looked up and realized there was a white truck following closely behind, packing up the orange cones. It upset me that they would be so obvious about the fact he was the final runner. How disheartening that would feel! What harm would it have caused for them to wait a few extra minutes before cleaning up the course? We cheered him on his way, packed up our gear, and left to meet up with the rest of our crew.<br /><br />At the finish line, we handed out mugs and congratulated the racers on their feat. On three separate occasions, I was told I could leave. I was torn because I had to be at church at 11 am, but I wanted to see the man in red shorts cross the finish line. I decided to wait. I had cheered for him at the "You're almost half way!" point and wanted to be there when he finished. Two hours passed, and I continued to wait. Three of my coworkers decided to stay as well. We watched as the race coordinators began to pack up the banners, barricades, and other equipment. Very few people remained. We worried that maybe our friend wasn't able to finish the race after all. Still, we waited. We didn't want him to cross the finish line alone. At last we received word that he was approaching the final stretch. I anxiously watched in the distance until I saw him coming around the bend. My coworkers and I immediately started cheering, and the announcer called out his name over the loud speaker. We screamed for joy as he crossed the finish line and congratulated him on finishing the race. I was so happy that he made it.<br /><br />This experience caused me to reflect on our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He sent us to this earth to receive our mortal bodies so we could become more like Him. The race wouldn't be easy, but He promised to give us what we would need in order to make it to the finish line. Just as the racers had arrows showing them the way to go, we have scriptures, church leaders, personal revelation, etc. to keep us on the right path. He even sent His son, Jesus Christ, to show us the way. We aren't alone in our journey either. The Holy Ghost provides comfort at times we feel like we can't make it to that next mile marker, let alone the finish line. We also have family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers who encourage us to continue onward.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel like that man in red shorts. The race truck is following closely behind, constantly reminding me of how slow I'm going. It's often tempting to just stop running. It's at those moments of quiet desperation that I feel God's love manifested to me in different ways: a bear hug from my nephew, a long conversation with a new friend, a compliment from a stranger, my favorite song played on the radio, a feeling of peace in my soul.<br /><br />At the close of church today we sang the hymn, <em>I Know That My Redeemer Lives</em> (<a href="http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=136&searchsubseqstart=" searchseqend="'136&searchsubseqend=">Hymn #136</a>). As I sang the lines, "He lives to comfort me when faint" and "He lives and loves me to the end," I could picture our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ anxiously waiting for me at the finish line, hoping I would make it safely back to them. Even if I am the last runner and everyone else has given up on me, I know they will be there. Their love is the only constant thing in our lives. If nothing else, we can lean on them.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTOBTW7rwB247D_1XeOOw37nut0ZM7u1rUJ3HNIgdsCY6uB1zNZLb0Bw6bG4s2lYR4TMYimn24wlPQlWFytGHJ0PJO6xelHPT1mi_uVmRsjzGUoDXpo9uO2bLSa0A16BXo09kPv3W9eE1/s1600-h/CASA.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 308px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5446119004130915426" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghTOBTW7rwB247D_1XeOOw37nut0ZM7u1rUJ3HNIgdsCY6uB1zNZLb0Bw6bG4s2lYR4TMYimn24wlPQlWFytGHJ0PJO6xelHPT1mi_uVmRsjzGUoDXpo9uO2bLSa0A16BXo09kPv3W9eE1/s400/CASA.jpg" /></a> <div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-20193304154641411392009-08-27T22:16:00.008-05:002010-03-17T08:02:46.007-05:00Forget about maybeI <em><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">adore</span></strong> </em>Ingrid Michaelson, as many of you already know, so I was excited to see her latest video, <em><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKU3UuJhIxU&feature=sub">Maybe</a></em>, on YouTube a few minutes ago. Adoration aside, I’m not really sure what to think about the song (you can read the lyrics <a href="http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/lyrics/">here</a>).<br /><br />Part of me loves it because I can totally relate to the whole mentality of "pining away" for someone and hoping they'll eventually come back to you. The other part of me hates it…for the same reasons I like it, actually. I guess it hits too close to home. Why do we do this to ourselves? Seriously, why give someone up if you don't want them to leave? Shouldn't we be fighting to keep them in our lives? And when we do decide to say goodbye, shouldn't that be the end of it? Why torture ourselves with all of those maybes?<br /><br />It's unhealthy to hold onto the hope that someday that person will come around and realize how wonderful you are and how much they need you in their life. If they don't recognize it now, chances are they won't six months or even five years from now. All of those thoughts of "maybe you're gonna come back" are just a waste of time and energy. Forget about that misguided proverb of setting something free and waiting for it to come back. That's a load of crock, if you ask me. I say you should let it go, walk away, lock your door, and move on.<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong><span style="font-size:180%;">The end</span></strong></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-27110156623635929712009-08-19T22:50:00.004-05:002009-08-19T23:28:05.236-05:00EpiphanyI went to the movies tonight with a guy I met at church. Whether or not it was a date is still a mystery to me, but I'm assuming it was supposed to be. Anyway, we went out to ice cream afterward, even though I was exhausted after a busy couple of days at work. As I sat there sipping my shake, it seemed like the guy was trying to "sell" himself to me. He was probably just nervous, but he went on and on about his plans for the future and his past accomplishments for a good ten minutes before he finally asked me about myself. I barely got one sentence in before he started talking again. My eyes glazed over as he spoke, and I found myself wishing the evening would end. I'm sure my exhaustion contributed to my lack of enthusiasm, but I just wasn’t feeling it and began planning my exit strategy. Then it hit me:<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong><em><span style="font-size:180%;">I've been here before.</span></em></strong></div><strong><em><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></em></strong><br />On almost every first date I've ever been on, I'm ready to call it quits before the night is even over. This guy reminded me too much of the last guy I went out with. The one before him seemed too eager. The guy before that didn't even get a first date because I didn't like the way he looked at me. There’s always something. Why is my first instinct to run away? At first I thought it was because only the weird guys are attracted to me. Tonight I realized that <em><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">I</span></strong></em> am probably the weirdo. I give up on people before I even give them a fair chance. If someone makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable, or if the chemistry isn't there from <span style="font-size:130%;"><em>day 1</em></span>, I'm done. That's probably not fair. I started thinking about a friend of mine who constantly dates. Even if she's not sure about the guy, she keeps dating him. The relationship eventually develops or fizzles out. The difference is that she allows it to run its course, whereas I end it before the appetizers have even been served. I want to change that about myself. Do you have any suggestions for how I can do that? I'm gonna start by accepting a second date with this guy, if he even asks me. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't; I was pretty dull tonight. Date with caution when you're drowsy. LOLUnknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-24220796622625139882009-08-04T10:15:00.004-05:002009-08-04T10:26:13.078-05:00Blind ConfidenceAs I was dragging myself up to the library a few minutes ago, I noticed a young blind guy making his way down the steps. I steer clear of anyone carrying that white stick because I've already had a few close encounters. I view it as a warning to all within a 15-foot radius: Beware! This guy, however, could trip me any day of the week. He was <strong><em>gorgeous</em></strong>. Not the type of guy I'm typically attracted to, he had several tattoos and a pierced eyebrow. For some reason, though, I couldn't stop gawking. I found myself thinking, <em>I could totally nab him; he's blind! </em>And, <em>How cool would it be to date a blind guy - </em><em>I'd never have to feel insecure about how I look! </em>I watched as he approached me, admiring his beautiful arms and worrying that he might stumble on the last step. When I realized I was beginning to stare, I bashfully looked away. Then it dawned on me that <em><strong>he can't see!</strong></em> With the confidence of a super model, I locked my gaze on him until he had passed me by. It felt great.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-85305455300619935962009-07-20T00:22:00.003-05:002009-07-20T00:27:09.923-05:00Segregation today?!?I found <a href="http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/16/cb.integrated.prom.cnn">this CNN video</a> to be absolutely appalling. How in the world was this school getting away with having segregated proms? I don't even know what to say; I'm just absolutely floored. What do you think about this?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-29526100133554028682009-07-10T17:52:00.004-05:002009-07-10T17:57:23.253-05:00Whose bow is this?Overheard in my living room just moments ago:<br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>"What's this? Did somebody lose a bow?</strong></span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Oh wait! It's your thong!</strong>"</span></div><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">*No, it was not <strong><em>my</em></strong> thong. However, I would be very proud if I could fit into something small enough to be confused for a ribbon. Ha ha!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-89938932665471755272009-07-08T19:48:00.001-05:002009-07-08T19:48:43.500-05:00Ellen with her Hawaii chair<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/DHiqVygN-w0' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/DHiqVygN-w0'/></object></p><p>Oh. My. Gosh. This is hilarious!</p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-49576140783643300822009-06-29T17:01:00.005-05:002009-06-29T17:07:04.177-05:00The mouths of babesThe other day my 3-1/2 year old nephew gave me a big hug after I walked in the front door. He smiled up at me and said, "Becky, you smell good. And that's a good thing because <strong><em>most</em></strong> people with black hair stink!"<br /><br /><em><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Gosh, I love that kid!</span></strong></em><br /><br />PS: Sorry about the "ho hum" nature of the last few posts. The past few months have been rough, but hopefully I'll have some upbeat stuff to blog about soon. Be patient with me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-85721765265459591062009-06-07T16:28:00.044-05:002009-06-07T17:45:05.690-05:00An off day/week/month...Today was an off day for me. This is never good on a Sunday because I teach Sunday School and am expected to have the Spirit with me. Unfortunately, all I felt today were my nerves and the tears that constantly threatened to escape my stubborn eyes. Fortunately, Heavenly Father hears our prayers, even when we're not in the best of moods. It always amazes me how patient He is with me, despite my ever-expanding imperfections. He really helped me out today, and I'm so grateful for that.<br /><br />Thanks for all your advice regarding the last <a href="http://you-read-my-mind.blogspot.com/2009/05/things-that-have-been-on-my-mind-lately.html">blog</a> I wrote. I finally realized that you (and the article) were right, so I ended my friendship with the boy. It was extremely difficult to do, and the wounds are still pretty fresh, but I know it was the right thing. I'm hoping down the road (once my feelings for him go away) we can be friends again, but I know we'll never be as close as we were. It hurts, but I suppose that's the reality of it all. These past few months have been wretched, so I hope this actually helps in the long run.<br /><br /><div align="center"><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Random thoughts to lighten </span></strong></div><div align="center"><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">the "mood" of this post...</span></strong></div><div align="center"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"><br />Does it make me a total nerd to admit that I'm really excited about <a href="http://deseretbook.com/store/product/3938010">this</a>? Oh, the memories! I never knew the DVD version was available, and I cannot wait to order it. Yippee!<br /><br />Funny sight on the drive home from church today: A young man riding a unicycle while balancing a football in one arm and a 12-pack of beer in the other. Now that's talent!<br /><br />After searching for several weeks, I finally found my favorite brand and flavor of toothpaste this weekend. I wanted to buy the entire stock, but I limited myself to four tubes. Who would have thought a find like that could bring such joy? I'm taking it as a sign that things are gonna start looking up. :)<br /><br />Yesterday I went to Chrissy & Zach's reception. Everything was absolutely beautiful, especially Chrissy. I immediately started blubbering when I saw her, which is something I didn't expect. After all, she and I aren't that close and have only hung out a handful of times. There's something about her, though, that has always held a special place in my heart. I was so happy to be there to share that special day with her and Zach. You are both wonderful, and I'm so happy you found each other. Congratulations, again. I wish you all the best. I hope you both keep on blogging!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-15632697560950991742009-05-29T09:52:00.001-05:002009-05-29T09:52:26.410-05:00Paper Towels<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/vfdoLBni4zA' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/vfdoLBni4zA'/></object></p><p>I debated whether or not I should post this because it has a couple of swear words, but it just cracked me up. Then again, it was 1 am when I watched it, so maybe it's not even funny. Hope you enjoy it!<br /><br />PS: I'll try to post a real blog next week.</p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6822229572253497389.post-32506011328248883682009-05-23T22:43:00.001-05:002009-05-23T22:43:08.942-05:00There's always gonna be another mountain<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/NG2zyeVRcbs' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/NG2zyeVRcbs'/></object></p><p>OK, so most of you probably hate Miley Cyrus, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I adore her. I know she's not the most talented singer or actress, but I think she's charming. And I absolutely love this song. It has such a great message. I love, love, love it!<br /><br />That's all for now. Enjoy! :)</p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3