You Read My Mind

My List

2011-06-08T23:19:00.039-05:00

Tonight I was flipping through my journal and stopped on an entry that I wanted to share with you:

March 23, 2011

I really should be going to bed, but I had a moment of clarity today, and I needed to write it down. It hit me that my ex isn't the right guy for me. The right guy will want to be around me all the time. He'll think I'm beautiful and will make sure I know that. He'll make me a priority in his life, regardless of whatever else he's dealing with. With him, I'll never question whether or not he's "into me" because he'll show me in the way he looks at me and how he touches me. He will want to kiss me and won't let months of dating pass by without at least trying. He'll hold my hand. He'll hug me more than just to say hello or goodbye. I won't have to work so hard to get him to pay attention to me or want to spend time with me - he'll do it on his own. I won't feel inadequate or ugly or unworthy of his love. I will feel like we are equally yoked. I'll be able to openly share my sadness and frustrations without worrying that I'm a burden on him. I will be myself and will be happy doing so. I will feel cherished. I won't doubt his intentions. I will feel secure in our relationship. I will put his needs above my own, but he will do the same for me. That way we will both be taken care of. These are things I hope for in a companion. I'm not saying he has to have/do all of these things, but I would like him to strive for it. I want to be loved and honored and cherished. These aren't things my ex is capable of doing for me. I hope he'll be able to do that for someone someday, but in my heart, I know I'm not that girl. I hate admitting that because I love him so much. I'm grateful that I love him, though, because it gives me hope in finding love again. It also gives me a guideline for what I can expect in the future. I'm sure Heavenly Father has someone amazing in store for me - someone with most of the qualities I adore in my ex but who can fill in the gaps where he was lacking. I hope I can find that guy. And I hope I can be the girl he has hoped for. I'm definitely a work in progress.

I've often wondered if I had unrealistic hopes of what I wanted in a companion. I avoided making those dreaded lists of what I was looking for because I felt they filled people with an unhealthy desire to hold out for that perfect person. Without realizing it at the time, however, I made one of those lists three months ago in that journal entry. As I read my simple words tonight, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I never would have imagined that only one month after writing and praying about them, I would find the exact man I wrote about. What a tender mercy! If I ever start doubting the Lord's hand in my life or feel that he's not answering my prayers, I will look back at this journal entry. It reminds me that I am not alone; I am honored and cherished by a loving Heavenly Father. All I have to do is ask and wait in faith, and he will answer my prayers. This knowledge gives me hope.

... But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
(1 Nephi 1:20)

Expressing appreciation

2011-03-30T17:12:00.008-05:00

"Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate
someone, don’t keep it a secret." ~M. K. Ash

A few days ago my mom told me that she has always thought of me as a happy person. This statement really stood out to me for two reasons. First of all, I haven’t seen myself as the most positive person lately and was beginning to wonder if I’ve always been this way. Hearing her words helped me remember that I am happy by nature and gave me hope that I can be that way again. The second reason her comment meant so much was because she doesn’t typically offer encouraging words like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and have no doubt that she loves me. I remember the flood of emotions I felt when I read a paragraph she wrote about me in my application to Ricks College. She talked about attending one of my volleyball games and being impressed when I was the only one on my team who didn’t participate in a somewhat crude cheer. I didn’t even realize she had been watching me and felt so happy to learn I was acceptable in her eyes. Moments like that weren’t common in my family though. Most of us have a difficult time verbalizing our feelings toward each other.

Over the years, I’ve become increasingly aware of my inability to express myself to those I love. Sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally stunted. I was especially aware of this in my last relationship. No matter how much I wanted to, I found it impossible to adequately express myself to the guy I was dating. I sometimes practiced conversations in my head so I could tell him what I appreciated about him and let him know how much I cared. When the opportunity came for us to talk, I blushed and stuttered and really struggled to get the words out. It made me feel like an idiotic school girl, so I just kept my thoughts to myself most of the time. I’m sad to think of all the opportunities I missed to point out his good qualities and thank him for the little things he said or did to make me smile.

This is something I want to change about myself. I’ve been making it a point lately to tell my friends exactly what I appreciate about them. I’ll be honest; it’s been a real struggle for me. Sometimes I’m only able to do it via text messages or e-mail, but I guess that’s a start. Over time, I hope to turn this weakness into one of my greatest strengths. People need to know that they are loved and valued. They need to be reminded of their redeeming qualities. They need to know they are accepted, regardless of the mistakes they’ve made (or will make). They need to feel safe in sharing their hopes and dreams, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. I hope to feel that sense of safety in my next relationship. In order to feel that, though, I realize I need to first share more of myself. I’m a work in progress.

Simple things

2011-03-27T15:20:00.068-05:00

I've been struck lately by the little things people do for us that leave a lasting impression. I'm not talking about huge gestures, like buying a laptop for a poor college student so she can succeed in school or helping to fund someone's mission (both of which happened to me). Those things will no doubt have an impact on their lives; I've been touched in many ways by grand gestures of love like these. I've also been touched by the little things people have done for me, such as calling me out of the blue (not realizing I was feeling lonely in that moment) or sharing a snack with me in class when my stomach was growling. These may seem like simple things, but they can really impact someone's life.

The other day at Institute, our instructor was talking about the 4 Ts of love: time, touch, talk, and teach. Touch is the one that stood out to me, as my primary love language is physical affection. During the lesson, he quoted Dr. Harold Voth who said that "hugging can lift depression." I completely agree with that statement - I've always thought there was something magical about hugs.

A few days after this lesson someone asked me to think about a time when I felt the most loved. I was surprised when the memory that came to mind wasn't something grandiose or spectacular. It was a sweet moment shared with a guy I was dating at the time. He and I had just gotten out of an Institute class and were standing by his car talking about our day. He asked me how I was doing and gave me a knowing look after I said I was fine. I then opened up about the struggles I was facing and how I felt so hopeless in being able to change my situation. He offered a few words of comfort and then pulled me close to him. I'm not sure how he knew, but that was exactly what I needed in that moment. Just a hug. A hug that told me he was there for me. A hug that reminded me I wasn't alone. A hug to release some of the pain and frustration I was feeling. A hug that would last as long as I needed it to. I got the impression he would have held me there all night if necessary; he wasn't going to let go until I was ready. As we stood there in silence, my racing heart began to calm down and my tense muscles loosened up. I relaxed my face on his chest and soaked in his familiar scent. I felt safe and secure with his strong arms wrapped around me, and for the first time in weeks I felt at peace. My burdens began to feel lighter as I sensed the love and concern he had for me. At that moment, I knew everything was going to be OK.

I sometimes wonder if he will ever understand the impact that simple hug had on me (or if he even remembers that moment). I wonder if any of us will ever know the impact we have on others with the seemingly trivial things we do for them. Even so, I hope we'll all continue doing those simple things.

During that Institute lesson, our instructor shared a story about a mission president's wife who was struggling with their new living situation. She finally hit her breaking point and exploded into tears while confessing to her husband how much she hated it there. Before finishing the story, our instructor looked at my friend and asked what he would have said in that situation. He thought for a moment and finally admitted he wouldn't know what to do for her. My mind immediately flashed to that night from many months ago. I looked over at him and smiled to myself thinking, "You would know."

Backfired love

2011-03-08T21:22:00.019-06:00

Remember that post from yesterday? Can I please just take it all back?

OK, I don't really mean that - I'm just feeling frustrated right now. I hate when things I say come back to bite me in the butt. When I said I was going to love people more openly, I didn't realize just how vulnerable that would make me. Tonight I realized that if you're too kind and loving, it's that much easier for people to take advantage of you. Can't people just appreciate being loved instead of using it to their advantage? If it's so important to care about people, why does it sometimes leave me feeling so empty? Blah!

On a positive note, this experience reminds me just how lucky I am for the friends who don't take advantage of me but actually love me back. Fortunately, those kind of friends far outweigh the ones who take me for granted. So... thank you, my friends. I'm grateful to have you in my life. :)

Loving others, loving ourselves

2011-03-07T13:40:00.021-06:00

I have an immense capacity for love; loving others comes quickly and naturally to me. I appreciate this about myself and consider it a special gift. However, I've learned to be very careful with this gift, as it often leads to disappointment and heartbreak. The other day I read a blog that helped me realize I shouldn't be so apprehensive when it comes to loving others. Rather, I should openly share that love with those around me, regardless of whether or not they are able to return it. I've started applying this in my friendships and already feel much better about life.

I've decided that my loving nature is my favorite quality. What do you like most about yourself? I asked this question on Facebook last night, and below are some of the responses I received. What can you add to this list? Post your response in the comments.

I have amazing eyelashes and a kind heart (K.G.)
That my body can grow great babies, and that I am creative (S.G.)
That I have a kind and loving heart and a beautiful daughter of God (D.L.)
My ability to laugh in the face of great trial and adversity and ... well... pretty much everything to be honest (D.G.)
My curiosity... I always want to learn more and know more about just about anything (C.W.)
I'm learning to love my new scar, which reminds me everyday that I beat cancer (M.P.)
What I like the most is that I am a hard worker, and that my self-esteem is robust and healthy (C.T.)
i'm quick to forgive. i also really like that i have such a great appetite....mostly for chocolate chip cookies and ice cream :) (A.M.)

Control your thoughts

2011-02-26T00:33:00.014-06:00

Earlier today I was talking to a friend about some things I’ve been struggling with, and I commented that I wasn’t really doing anything to help my situation. She stopped me and asked, "Do you really feel like you’re not doing anything?" I was taken aback because I hadn’t even realized that those words had come out of my mouth. In fact, I knew that what I said wasn’t even true - I have, in fact, been doing things to help myself. I even began listing those things off to her.

That conversation has been replaying in my head all day. With all of the negativity I expose myself to on a daily basis (at school, at work, while watching TV, etc.), it never occurred to me that I was exposing myself to much more within the confines of my own head. Have you ever thought about that? I’ve always been aware of the negative things I say to myself consciously, but I never considered how often I talk down to myself without even realizing it. I wonder what effect that has had on my self-esteem.

Last night at Institute* we talked about one of my favorite passages of scripture in The Pearl of Great Price*. Moses had just spoken with God who told him repeatedly, "Thou art my son." Moments later, Satan arrived and tried to tempt Moses. Multiple times he told him "Moses, son of man, worship me." Moses’s response always floors me. He looked at Satan and confidently stated "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?" (Moses 1:13) Satan continued tempting him but Moses knew who he was and stood firm. What an incredible example!

I wish I could be more like Moses in times of adversity. After all, I know who I am. I am a daughter of God. Why is that so difficult to remember in times of challenge? How come it’s so much easier to look around and see the goodness in those around me? I’ll be the first to correct my friends when they talk down to themselves. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of negativity because I know it’s such a small portion of who that person really is. Shouldn’t we be just as aware of our own amazing qualities?

This week my goal is to be cognizant of the things I say to myself. When those moments of self-doubt creep in, I hope I can follow Moses’s example.

Who art thou, Satan?
For behold, I am a daughter of God!

*For those of you who don’t know what Institute or The Pearl of Great Price are, click here and here.

Noise

2011-02-18T01:11:00.035-06:00

Lately I've been reflecting on an experience I had while attending church with my sister. This particular church had a band that played music before the sermon began. When the pastor began to speak, I figured the band would step off the stage. Instead, they continued playing as he spoke. It was kind of a cool concept to have background music while he was speaking. Unfortunately, the music was much louder than his voice, and I had difficulty hearing the message. The few words I heard were inspiring, but the rest got lost in the noise of guitar strumming and drum rolls. This experience has stuck with me over the years. It caused me to reflect on the noises I allow into my life that distract me from hearing the word of God. In the scriptures, it describes the "whisperings" of the Holy Ghost and states that the Spirit speaks with a "still, small voice." With all the noise around us, how can we truly HEAR the word of God?

Over the years, I've gotten into the habit of constantly surrounding myself with noise. Every time I walk into my quiet apartment, I immediately turn on the TV. It's not that I'm interested in watching it; I'm just uncomfortable with the silence. When I'm alone in my car, the stereo is always blasting. On school days, I wear my iPod from the moment I step out of my car until I reach the classroom. I constantly surround myself with noise.

Why?

Because when it's quiet, my mind fills with endless lists: Lists of things I've neglected to do and people I haven't called, of chapters to read and tests to prepare for, of bills to pay and groceries to buy, of choices I regret and decisions I need to make, of unanswered questions about my future. When it's quiet, I remember my failures, my fears, my weaknesses. I think about the people I have loved who will never love me back and I remember the emptiness I received in return for that love. When it's quiet, I remember how lonely I am.

Maybe that's why I'm always turning on the TV or the stereo or my iPod. It's all I can do to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with life. And you know what? It works. That's also the problem though. I can't feel much of anything with all of this noise going on around me. How can I be comforted if there's a band behind me, overpowering the words God is speaking to me? How can I receive answers if I can't even feel myself breathe?

So...

I've decided to turn it all off. Turn off the TV, turn off the stereo, turn off my iPod. Not all the time, of course. I do love my music, after all. And how can I go a week without getting embarrassed over something idiotic that Michael Scott says or does? Occasionally, though, it's OK to listen to nothing but silence. It's not going to kill me if all I can hear is the ticking of the clock or the hum of the refrigerator.

As I was driving to San Antonio last night, I remembered my goal and turned off the stereo. In that hour-long drive, I received some very distinct impressions about my life that I might have otherwise missed out on. Yes, I did feel a little overwhelmed by all the craziness flying around in my brain. And yes, a few tears did escape after all that pain wasn't masked anymore. But you know what? I'm OK. And I'll be OK. Because I realized this:

The noise we allow into our lives may distract us from whatever it is we're hiding from, but it will never take it away. Silence, on the other hand, opens the doorway for reflection and personal revelation - both of which can provide healing.

I'm setting aside time each day to allow more silence into my life. I think you should too.

Hugs

2011-02-09T16:33:00.001-06:00

I love hugs. They make me feel loved and protected and just plain happy. If I don’t hug you every time I see you, we’re probably not very close. That’s just how it is.

So anyway… there’s this guy I used to have a mini crush on. We went out a couple of months ago, and I realized he will likely never be anything more than a friend. Some people just belong in the friend box.* One thing that tells me we will never progress beyond friendship is that the dude cannot hug. Seriously! Every time we say goodbye, it’s the most awkward experience ever. It’s like that uncomfortable first kiss you see on TV where the people bump foreheads or noses or teeth. Yes, it’s that awkward. Can two people be so incompatible that they can’t even hug properly? After I last saw him, I decided I’m downgrading him to the “friendly acquaintance” level. What’s the point of hugging someone when you always walk away feeling like a complete idiot afterward? No point.

Am I the only person this ever happens to?

*For all of you married people who are secretly judging me please understand that I’m not writing this guy off after only one date. Truth be told, I’d probably go out with him again if he asked - I just know it’ll never go anywhere. Cut me some slack.

Leaving our nets

2011-02-02T00:02:00.002-06:00

Have you ever told someone to call you if they ever needed anything? Sure you have. I can't tell you how often I've used that phrase in my lifetime: To new church members, to family members, to coworkers, to the sisters I visit teach, etc. It's one of those polite things people say but that nobody pays much attention to, like "How are you?" Never once has someone taken me up on my offer to help if they ever needed anything. Not until tonight, that is. I answered a call from an unknown number and was shocked to hear the voice on the other end. It was someone I've spent a very limited amount of time with but who recently cut me out of her life (even though I was hardly a part of her life to begin with) because she "needed a break" from all things church-related. That's why I was so surprised to receive her call. I was especially surprised when she said, "I remember you saying I could always call if I needed anything. I feel really bad asking for your help, but I need it."

Wow! She called ME. I hesitated at first because her request was somewhat inconvenient and I didn't know how to manage it around my school schedule. Then I realized something. In life we are given rare opportunities to prove what we're made of, and we have to be careful not to let those moments pass us by. Do I want to be that person who worries more about how *I* will be inconvenienced, rather than about helping a friend in need? Or do I want to be the one who tosses her nets aside and acts? We need to take advantage of these small opportunities, regardless of whether or not they fit conveniently into our busy schedules. Maybe this is my moment to prove that I'm not quite as selfish as I think I am. Maybe this is my chance to make a difference in somebody's life who is really struggling right now. Who knows? There's a good chance I'll never hear from this girl again after I do this favor. That doesn't really matter. What matters is that I chose to respond when the call was made.

Will you do the same?

Roommate Bonding

2010-12-19T23:55:00.000-06:00

Guess what my roommate and I did this weekend to celebrate the end of the semester? Yep. Good times. I love my life. :)

Smiles :)

2010-12-13T16:26:00.009-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at work and began smiling for no reason. First I wondered what triggered the smile. Then I questioned, When did smiling become such a foreign concept to me? I've been thinking about that ever since.

You see, people often used to comment on the fact that I always had a smile on my face. Most of the time I didn't even realize I was smiling; it was second-nature to me. When I realized recently that smiling had become a rarity for me, it made me kind of sad. To me smiles symbolize hope, happiness, and healing. The fact I wasn't smiling was an outward representation of the frustrations and hopelessness I had experienced this year.

Fortunately, that sporadic smile was the first of many. Suddenly, smiling feels effortless again. This is partly because I survived one of the most horrid semesters of my life (yay!). But mostly it's because of three amazing women who came into my life at the exact moment I needed them. They brought me laughter when all I wanted to do was cry. They offered me unconditional love and acceptance when I didn't even know how to love myself. These ladies exude positivity. Being around them, I can't help but smile and be happy. Their friendship brought the sunshine back into my life. For that, I'll be forever grateful.

The smiling Rebecca is back! And I must say, it feels pretty darn good. :)

In everyone's life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
~Albert Schweitzer

Broken: Me. Friendships.

2010-11-03T11:29:00.005-05:00

This has been an odd year for me. Everything in my life seems out of whack right now: school, work, church, my financial situation, my relationships. I’m not motivated in school, I can’t focus, and I don’t enjoy life like I once did. I just haven’t been myself. I keep telling my friends that I’m broken. Never has that felt truer than in recent days.

You see, I broke two friendships in the past week. One of them was with someone whom I love very much but just haven’t felt any sort of connection with lately. This might be due to my “broken” state of being, or it might be that the friendship has simply run its course. At any rate, it became clear that I needed to end our friendship, so I did it. While I’m heartbroken that I hurt her in that way, I’m convinced it was the right thing for me. Unfortunately, we still have to see each other at church events, and it’s just plain awkward.

Enter person number two. Remember how I said that everything in my life has felt out of whack this year? Well, there was actually one thing (i.e., a cool guy) that *did* feel good and right. Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy ended a few weeks ago, and now I’m back to feeling completely out of sorts. I would have done anything for him and stood by him through everything, so I was surprised that he wasn’t going to let me anymore. Things ended amicably but I’ve had a difficult time even being around him. Anyway, when I saw him last Wednesday night I felt like things were finally going to be OK. It was the first time in weeks that my chest didn’t tighten at the sight of him, and I could actually breathe. I felt at peace.

That peace ended quickly. The next day I got offended over something silly and sent him a heated e-mail. He could easily have written me off but instead took the time to patiently explain where he was coming from. I felt about two inches tall when I read his e-mail and quickly sent an apology. In my response, I explained to him why I reacted the way I did and thanked him for his patience with me. His short reply stated he would need some time to “digest” what I said before responding. That was several days ago. I’m not sure what I said that he needed to process first, but my intuition tells me it’s not good. I have a feeling that what I thought was a heartfelt apology only added to the hurt I already caused him. I’m at a loss for what to do. Things just aren’t going right for me this year.

"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." ~Tom Gates

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." ~Ambrose Bierce

Down With Love

2010-10-25T11:08:00.004-05:00

I have a million different thoughts jumbled up inside me, but I can't seem to get any of them out. Once I do, I'm sure I'll have some brilliant beyond brilliant blogs to share with you (sorry it's been so long). Until then, here's a quote that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling these past few weeks.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman

Watch your step

2010-04-09T13:02:00.003-05:00

Blonde Roommate has a cat that she absolutely adores. Cat likes to lie in front of my bedroom door so I trip over him when leaving for work in the wee hours of the morning. He is also quite smelly and likes to overeat. Because Cat overeats, it’s not uncommon for him to spew the contents of his stomach in random places all over the apartment. And it’s definitely not unusual for my bare feet to happen upon said throw up first thing in the morning while pouring myself a bowl of shredded wheat. It’s not something you want to feel between your toes, I’ll tell you that much. Needless to say, I’m not Cat’s biggest fan. So… does it make me a bad person that I laughed when I saw a large pile of steaming vomit just inside Blonde Roommate’s immaculate bedroom?

The Finish Line

2010-03-07T20:40:00.190-06:00

This morning I had the opportunity to volunteer at a half marathon with a group of coworkers. My assignment was to hand out water and Gatorade at mile marker 6. The last runner to pass our station was a man in red shorts. He looked tired and downtrodden but seemed determined to continue on. As he accepted the Gatorade I offered, he made the comment that we could pack up and leave because he was the last one. I informed him there were still a few more people (we had just been told that), and a shimmer of hope flashed across his face. A moment later I looked up and realized there was a white truck following closely behind, packing up the orange cones. It upset me that they would be so obvious about the fact he was the final runner. How disheartening that would feel! What harm would it have caused for them to wait a few extra minutes before cleaning up the course? We cheered him on his way, packed up our gear, and left to meet up with the rest of our crew.

At the finish line, we handed out mugs and congratulated the racers on their feat. On three separate occasions, I was told I could leave. I was torn because I had to be at church at 11 am, but I wanted to see the man in red shorts cross the finish line. I decided to wait. I had cheered for him at the "You're almost half way!" point and wanted to be there when he finished. Two hours passed, and I continued to wait. Three of my coworkers decided to stay as well. We watched as the race coordinators began to pack up the banners, barricades, and other equipment. Very few people remained. We worried that maybe our friend wasn't able to finish the race after all. Still, we waited. We didn't want him to cross the finish line alone. At last we received word that he was approaching the final stretch. I anxiously watched in the distance until I saw him coming around the bend. My coworkers and I immediately started cheering, and the announcer called out his name over the loud speaker. We screamed for joy as he crossed the finish line and congratulated him on finishing the race. I was so happy that he made it.

This experience caused me to reflect on our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He sent us to this earth to receive our mortal bodies so we could become more like Him. The race wouldn't be easy, but He promised to give us what we would need in order to make it to the finish line. Just as the racers had arrows showing them the way to go, we have scriptures, church leaders, personal revelation, etc. to keep us on the right path. He even sent His son, Jesus Christ, to show us the way. We aren't alone in our journey either. The Holy Ghost provides comfort at times we feel like we can't make it to that next mile marker, let alone the finish line. We also have family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers who encourage us to continue onward.

Sometimes I feel like that man in red shorts. The race truck is following closely behind, constantly reminding me of how slow I'm going. It's often tempting to just stop running. It's at those moments of quiet desperation that I feel God's love manifested to me in different ways: a bear hug from my nephew, a long conversation with a new friend, a compliment from a stranger, my favorite song played on the radio, a feeling of peace in my soul.

At the close of church today we sang the hymn, I Know That My Redeemer Lives (Hymn #136). As I sang the lines, "He lives to comfort me when faint" and "He lives and loves me to the end," I could picture our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ anxiously waiting for me at the finish line, hoping I would make it safely back to them. Even if I am the last runner and everyone else has given up on me, I know they will be there. Their love is the only constant thing in our lives. If nothing else, we can lean on them.

Forget about maybe

2009-08-27T22:16:00.008-05:00

I adore Ingrid Michaelson, as many of you already know, so I was excited to see her latest video, Maybe, on YouTube a few minutes ago. Adoration aside, I’m not really sure what to think about the song (you can read the lyrics here).

Part of me loves it because I can totally relate to the whole mentality of "pining away" for someone and hoping they'll eventually come back to you. The other part of me hates it…for the same reasons I like it, actually. I guess it hits too close to home. Why do we do this to ourselves? Seriously, why give someone up if you don't want them to leave? Shouldn't we be fighting to keep them in our lives? And when we do decide to say goodbye, shouldn't that be the end of it? Why torture ourselves with all of those maybes?

It's unhealthy to hold onto the hope that someday that person will come around and realize how wonderful you are and how much they need you in their life. If they don't recognize it now, chances are they won't six months or even five years from now. All of those thoughts of "maybe you're gonna come back" are just a waste of time and energy. Forget about that misguided proverb of setting something free and waiting for it to come back. That's a load of crock, if you ask me. I say you should let it go, walk away, lock your door, and move on.

The end

Epiphany

2009-08-19T22:50:00.004-05:00

I went to the movies tonight with a guy I met at church. Whether or not it was a date is still a mystery to me, but I'm assuming it was supposed to be. Anyway, we went out to ice cream afterward, even though I was exhausted after a busy couple of days at work. As I sat there sipping my shake, it seemed like the guy was trying to "sell" himself to me. He was probably just nervous, but he went on and on about his plans for the future and his past accomplishments for a good ten minutes before he finally asked me about myself. I barely got one sentence in before he started talking again. My eyes glazed over as he spoke, and I found myself wishing the evening would end. I'm sure my exhaustion contributed to my lack of enthusiasm, but I just wasn’t feeling it and began planning my exit strategy. Then it hit me:

I've been here before.

On almost every first date I've ever been on, I'm ready to call it quits before the night is even over. This guy reminded me too much of the last guy I went out with. The one before him seemed too eager. The guy before that didn't even get a first date because I didn't like the way he looked at me. There’s always something. Why is my first instinct to run away? At first I thought it was because only the weird guys are attracted to me. Tonight I realized that I am probably the weirdo. I give up on people before I even give them a fair chance. If someone makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable, or if the chemistry isn't there from day 1, I'm done. That's probably not fair. I started thinking about a friend of mine who constantly dates. Even if she's not sure about the guy, she keeps dating him. The relationship eventually develops or fizzles out. The difference is that she allows it to run its course, whereas I end it before the appetizers have even been served. I want to change that about myself. Do you have any suggestions for how I can do that? I'm gonna start by accepting a second date with this guy, if he even asks me. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't; I was pretty dull tonight. Date with caution when you're drowsy. LOL

Blind Confidence

2009-08-04T10:15:00.004-05:00

As I was dragging myself up to the library a few minutes ago, I noticed a young blind guy making his way down the steps. I steer clear of anyone carrying that white stick because I've already had a few close encounters. I view it as a warning to all within a 15-foot radius: Beware! This guy, however, could trip me any day of the week. He was gorgeous. Not the type of guy I'm typically attracted to, he had several tattoos and a pierced eyebrow. For some reason, though, I couldn't stop gawking. I found myself thinking, I could totally nab him; he's blind! And, How cool would it be to date a blind guy - I'd never have to feel insecure about how I look! I watched as he approached me, admiring his beautiful arms and worrying that he might stumble on the last step. When I realized I was beginning to stare, I bashfully looked away. Then it dawned on me that he can't see! With the confidence of a super model, I locked my gaze on him until he had passed me by. It felt great.

Segregation today?!?

2009-07-20T00:22:00.003-05:00

I found this CNN video to be absolutely appalling. How in the world was this school getting away with having segregated proms? I don't even know what to say; I'm just absolutely floored. What do you think about this?

Whose bow is this?

2009-07-10T17:52:00.004-05:00

Overheard in my living room just moments ago:

"What's this? Did somebody lose a bow?

Oh wait! It's your thong!"

*No, it was not my thong. However, I would be very proud if I could fit into something small enough to be confused for a ribbon. Ha ha!

Ellen with her Hawaii chair

2009-07-08T19:48:00.001-05:00

Oh. My. Gosh. This is hilarious!

The mouths of babes

2009-06-29T17:01:00.005-05:00

The other day my 3-1/2 year old nephew gave me a big hug after I walked in the front door. He smiled up at me and said, "Becky, you smell good. And that's a good thing because most people with black hair stink!"

Gosh, I love that kid!

PS: Sorry about the "ho hum" nature of the last few posts. The past few months have been rough, but hopefully I'll have some upbeat stuff to blog about soon. Be patient with me.

An off day/week/month...

2009-06-07T16:28:00.044-05:00

Today was an off day for me. This is never good on a Sunday because I teach Sunday School and am expected to have the Spirit with me. Unfortunately, all I felt today were my nerves and the tears that constantly threatened to escape my stubborn eyes. Fortunately, Heavenly Father hears our prayers, even when we're not in the best of moods. It always amazes me how patient He is with me, despite my ever-expanding imperfections. He really helped me out today, and I'm so grateful for that.

Thanks for all your advice regarding the last blog I wrote. I finally realized that you (and the article) were right, so I ended my friendship with the boy. It was extremely difficult to do, and the wounds are still pretty fresh, but I know it was the right thing. I'm hoping down the road (once my feelings for him go away) we can be friends again, but I know we'll never be as close as we were. It hurts, but I suppose that's the reality of it all. These past few months have been wretched, so I hope this actually helps in the long run.

Random thoughts to lighten

the "mood" of this post...

Does it make me a total nerd to admit that I'm really excited about this? Oh, the memories! I never knew the DVD version was available, and I cannot wait to order it. Yippee!

Funny sight on the drive home from church today: A young man riding a unicycle while balancing a football in one arm and a 12-pack of beer in the other. Now that's talent!

After searching for several weeks, I finally found my favorite brand and flavor of toothpaste this weekend. I wanted to buy the entire stock, but I limited myself to four tubes. Who would have thought a find like that could bring such joy? I'm taking it as a sign that things are gonna start looking up. :)

Yesterday I went to Chrissy & Zach's reception. Everything was absolutely beautiful, especially Chrissy. I immediately started blubbering when I saw her, which is something I didn't expect. After all, she and I aren't that close and have only hung out a handful of times. There's something about her, though, that has always held a special place in my heart. I was so happy to be there to share that special day with her and Zach. You are both wonderful, and I'm so happy you found each other. Congratulations, again. I wish you all the best. I hope you both keep on blogging!

Paper Towels

2009-05-29T09:52:00.001-05:00

I debated whether or not I should post this because it has a couple of swear words, but it just cracked me up. Then again, it was 1 am when I watched it, so maybe it's not even funny. Hope you enjoy it!

PS: I'll try to post a real blog next week.

There's always gonna be another mountain

2009-05-23T22:43:00.001-05:00

OK, so most of you probably hate Miley Cyrus, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I adore her. I know she's not the most talented singer or actress, but I think she's charming. And I absolutely love this song. It has such a great message. I love, love, love it!

That's all for now. Enjoy! :)

Things that have been on my mind lately...

2009-05-19T21:54:00.020-05:00

Why do companies suddenly decide to stop selling the ONE product you are attached to? Last year, my favorite toothbrush was discontinued. It wasn't anything fancy - just a simple, inexpensive, but very effective toothbrush. I still haven't found a replacement that works as well and fits to my teeth as perfectly as that one did. Sad day. At least I still had my favorite toothpaste, though. But guess what?! That, too, has been snatched from me. Over the past few weeks, I've searched all over San Marcos, as well as a few places in San Antonio; it's nowhere to be found! I now have three different types of toothpaste in my medicine cabinet, all of which either tear my mouth apart or taste gross...or both. This might seem weird to you, but I take oral hygiene very seriously. I'm so aggravated.

I wonder why I feel the need to constantly update my Facebook status. I'm such a private person, so why must I tell hundreds of people my innermost thoughts and feelings? It's not like I want to explain it to any of them. In fact, I usually don't want anyone to know what I really mean; I just need to write it down for some reason. It's really weird. Sometimes I even target my status to a specific person, assuming he'll see it and wonder if it's about him. How dumb is that? Also, I secretly get annoyed at people who don't update their status regularly. Especially people who have been on Facebook multiple times since their last update. And get this: When I'm out doing stuff around town or at school, I often think to myself: "That would be a funny status update." What is wrong with me?! I'm hooked on the "what's on your mind?" box.

Isn't it annoying when you take your car to the Wal-Mart "Quick Lube" and they tell you there's a two-hour wait... so you wander aimlessly around the store looking at stupid things you don't need, spending money you don't have for two painful hours before finally going to see if your car is ready... only to see on the receipt that they finished the job 20 minutes after you dropped it off? No phone call, no intercom page, no nothing. That's annoying. I hate Wal-Mart.

How come your car will make awkward noises for months, only to stop the day you actually get around to taking it to the shop? How does that even make sense?!

Why when you're thinking about someone you want to get over does he post a comment on your Facebook profile or leave you a cute voicemail? It's really annoying and not helpful. Or better yet: You get a notification that he posted something on your wall, only to find that he deleted it before you could even read it, which, of course, leaves you wondering what he had to say and why he didn't just leave it there. That's even more annoying. (Can you tell I'm checking Facebook while writing this blog? True story. Just happened.)

Speaking of which, do you agree with this article? I'm just curious. Maybe my problem is that I'm trying to stay friends with this guy (not an ex-boyfriend, just someone I dated for a while and am clearly still crazy about). Should I just delete him from my life? How do I go about doing that? I'm not sure I'm strong enough. Any thoughts?

Here I go again, spewing the contents of my brain/heart for all the world to see. I guess that's why I called this blog "You Read My Mind." After all, what is a blog good for if not to spill your every thought, doubt, fear, etc.? This is me, world. Take it or leave it.

Until next time...

All-nighter

2009-05-04T04:07:00.017-05:00

I should never have gotten on Facebook tonight after that fireside. I wasn't going to, but stupid me, I did it anyway. That led to me getting offended over a dumb e-mail, which led to another strange e-mail, which led to a confusing voicemail, which led to me crying and not being able to sleep. Now it's 4:07 am, and my alarm will be going off in exactly 13 minutes, and I haven't slept at all. And I don't even know why I'm writing this since I don't intend on explaining it to any of you (no offense, but you'll understand if you know me at all). I'm just so frustrated and confused and tired. To top it all off, I have a paper due at 2 pm today, and I've only written about a half page of jibberish. I was supposed to finish it this weekend but got roped into doing other things (I need to learn to say no, which is another problem I have). Then I figured I could finish it after work today, but now it looks like I will be coming home to sleep instead. I don't need to fall apart right now, but I feel like I'm barely hanging onto the end of my rapidly fraying rope. Ugh!

Time to get ready for work. Wish me luck!

Update: It is now 6:40 am, and I just got back from sitting in a dark parking lot at work waiting for the shift leader to show up. I was there from 4:50 until 6:15, and nobody came except one of my other coworkers. What a joke! All that lost sleep for nothing. I sure hope this day gets better. :(

R.A.D.

2009-05-03T00:12:00.016-05:00

Last month I took a self-defense course called R.A.D. (Rape Aggression Defense System). Some Universities offer this program free of charge, but it's quite affordable if you're not so lucky. This isn't like other self-defense classes that teach strange techniques you probably won't remember if you ever needed to use them. They teach practical self-defense and provide opportunities for you to practice it. In addition, the one time course fee ($25) is good for a lifetime; after completing the course, you can attend any future session free of charge to refresh your skills. It's fantastic! I felt empowered after attending this class, and I highly recommend each of you ladies find a program in your area and enroll (they offer a different class for men, if any of you guys are interested).

I found this picture on the R.A.D. website. This is the gear the students and "fake attacker" wear in the simulations. I was pretty frightened knowing I was going to be attacked (even though it was fake), but I feel good now knowing I can protect myself. Click here to find a program in your area and sign up.

After All We Can Do

2009-04-20T22:37:00.021-05:00

This talk, After All We Can Do,* means so much to me. It's by Elder Claudio D. Zivic, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy who also happens to be my mission president. He gave this talk in October 2007 when he was first called to the 70. I cried through the whole thing; it meant so much to see him again and hear his voice. He's an amazing man. I love the message of this talk. It probably means even more to me than most other people because I know him on a different level. I have no doubt that he's a man of God, so I hang onto every word he says. It makes me smile hearing him speak English too. He's from Argentina and rarely spoke more than two or three words to us in English. What a treat.

Earlier this month I was blessed with the opportunity to go to General Conference. I didn't really have the money, but I knew President and Hermana Zivic would be there. So...I went. Our mission reunion was on Friday night. I was intimidated to see the Zivics because my Spanish skills are quickly dwindling, and I didn't want them to hear how poorly I speak now (they always used to compliment me on how well I spoke Spanish). When I saw Hermana Zivic, she gave me a big hug and remembered just who I was. She said, "Remember the bookmark you and Hermana Watts made me for Valentine's Day? I still carry that with me in my scriptures." I was so thrilled to hear that. Then she said, "Hermana Emmot, whenever President Zivic travels on speaking assignments, he brings one of the last letters that you wrote him. He never says who wrote it, but he always shares it over the pulpit." I was really taken aback by that. I have always felt like my mission president never really took me very seriously. It's something I've always struggled with (even to this day), so that little comment meant the world to me. As she was telling me this, Elder Zivic walked over and said, "Yes, hermana, it really was a beautiful letter." Even now, I want to cry just thinking about it. It seems silly, but I really needed to hear that from him. I guess it was validation that he viewed me as a serious missionary... someone he can still quote four years later.

On Saturday afternoon, I saw the two of them again between conference sessions. After giving me a big hug, Elder Zivic held me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes with that happy grin of his, "Hermana, I've been thinking a lot about you lately and hoping I'd get to see you this weekend. I'm so glad you came. It's really been a pleasure to see you. Please, please keep in touch." These moments are the reason I used up my entire tax return (and then some!) to go to Utah. I could have gone home after that, and it would have all been worth it. Oh, but wait! There's more. I have this amazing friend from the mission who pulled some strings and got me front row seats. We were literally behind all the emeritus general authorities! It was unreal. Once in a lifetime opportunity! Some of the most memorable things about being that close were:

(1) Observing Elder Anderson's facial expressions as President Monson and others testified that he was called of God; it was clear (or so it seemed) he felt inadequate and unsure

(2) Watching Elder Bednar sing along with the choir

(3) Making eye contact with President Uchtdorf and him smiling down at me

(4) Sort of elbowing Elder Nelson because I didn't see him walking past me

(5) Seeing general authorities fall asleep during conference (now I don't feel so guilty!)

Those are the kind of things you miss out on by watching conference on TV or in one of the 21,000 seats behind us. Thanks, majo (or mozo, as Joaquina always called you). I'll repay the favor someday when you come visit me in Texas (though anything I could do would pale in comparison). What a great month. I love my life!

*Click here for the text version of his talk

L to R: Hermana Watts (one of my absolute favorite

companions), me, Hermana Zivic, and Elder Zivic

Hermana Anhder (another one of my favorite companions) and

me at conference. Check out how close we were!

Can you even believe it?! Amazing! :)

Crosswalks

2009-04-17T22:12:00.006-05:00

Have you ever gotten annoyed because someone approached the crosswalk where you were already standing and pressed the button? Seriously?! Did you think I was just standing here hoping the sign would magically change? Of course I pushed the button! Well… I promise never to get annoyed about that again. A few days ago, I approached a busy crosswalk right before the light was supposed to turn green. When I say busy, I mean there were at least 10 people on each side of the street waiting to cross. I got there just as the light should have turned green (I cross there often and know the pattern), but…it didn't. Our turn came and went. Out of 20 people, not even one of them bothered to push the button. Not one! Wanna know something else? That's not the first time that has happened...and, believe me, it's not the second either. That has happened three—count that: 3!—times in the four short months I've been here. That's San Marcos for ya.

Children

2009-04-11T21:51:00.006-05:00

Did you know that April is Child Abuse Prevention month? Wear a blue ribbon this month to show your support for this cause. Also, if you suspect a child is being abused or neglected, please report it by calling the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

As many of you know, I have been volunteering this semester at Child Protective Services. Though the hours are required as part of my Social Services in the Community class, I am grateful for the chance I've had to work at this particular agency. It's been a phenomenal experience. In contrast to the confusion I've felt in many other areas of my life, I truly feel alive when I'm there. Like I belong there. Maybe I've blogged about this before, but I feel like I've finally found my purpose. In all honesty, I would work there for free. To me, that's more of an answer than anything else. I have found my place. Unfortunately, though, I need money to survive. So...after next week, I will say goodbye to the wonderful CPS caseworkers and special children I've worked with. Time to find a job. Sad day.

The 80/20 Rule

2009-04-01T16:41:00.010-05:00

At Institute a few weeks ago, the instructor taught us his "80/20 rule" for dating and courtship. He said that when we're dating we have a tendency to rule people out too quickly based on their flaws. He went on to explain that a good rule of thumb is to pay attention to what you like and dislike about that person. If you appreciate/love at least 80% and only dislike about 20%, hold on tight! We're all so different that 20% "bad" in a mate is actually pretty darn good. I chuckled a little when he shared this with us, but it really struck me. Heck, considering all of my crazy tendencies, my only hope is that someone will use that rule with me. The least I can do is follow it myself. Ha ha!

Since then I've applied this rule in my life not only in dating situations but in friendships too. And I'll tell you what, it really helps. Every time I wanted to give up on a certain someone, I thought back to this rule. I constantly reminded myself, Rebecca, this guy is at least an 85/15, so don't freak out. The point in all of this, I suppose, is to quit focusing on the negative. That 80% is so much more important than the 20%, wouldn't you agree?

But...

(Did you sense that there would be a but?)

When you are trying to move on from a relationship that has just ended, go ahead and ignore that 80 and focus on the 20. It works like a charm! After talking to a friend on the phone last night, I realized I needed to sit down and do this. I wrote (with amazing ease, I might add) a list of about forty reasons why I needed to move on with my life. Every time one of the 80 popped into my head, I quickly pushed it aside and replaced it with one of the 20. Now whenever I feel lonely or sad, I'll just look at this list. Emotional crisis averted.

PS: Some of you may have noticed that I deleted my Facebook account. I just needed a little breather to get me through to the end of the semester. Not to worry, I'll be back. But until then, keep sending me your love through blog comments and/or phone calls. :)

Another Guilty Pleasure

2009-03-29T01:27:00.001-05:00

Don't ask me why, but I absolutely LOVE this song. It's so *not* me, but I just can't get enough of it. We had fun dancing and singing along to it at the dance tonight. Fun times!

But what about Plan A?!

2009-03-26T19:45:00.018-05:00

I'm not the type who constantly bemoans her "single" status or can't be happy without a man by her side. I love my independence, am generally a very happy person, and am grateful beyond words for all the amazing experiences I've had because I'm single. Some days, though, I just wonder what gives. Ever since Elder Oaks first gave his talk about dating vs. hanging out, I've felt like I needed to have a more solid Plan B. Plan A, of course, is to get married and start a family; Plan B is what I should be doing in the meantime. His words still ring in my ears:

If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving. Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don’t wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord. (Click here for the full talk.)

So here I am four years later, fully immersed in my Plan B. I quit my mindless job and came back to school full-time to earn the degree I've always dreamed of. I volunteer at an agency that has completely opened my eyes and given me hope for a brighter future. I have great plans to someday save the world, one person at a time. But you know what? My Plan B pales in comparison to Plan A. Don't get me wrong; I have a rockin' Plan B. I love it. I talk about it as if it's the most important thing in the world to me. But I'll let you in on a little secret: It's not. I'd give it all up for my Plan A. In a heartbeat.

So what gives? What gives?! I'm just wondering...

I wonder if somehow while perfecting my Plan B, I forgot to also work towards my Plan A. Did I overlook any Plan A "prospects" because I was too focused on Plan B? Have I missed my chance for Plan A? Can I possibly have both Plan A and Plan B? These are just a few of the questions that have been polluting my mind over the past couple of weeks. I'm just throwing them out into the universe hoping I'll somehow be able to make sense of it all.

Lessons learned

2009-03-25T12:04:00.007-05:00

A lesson I should have learned as a child:

Don't use your teeth to open anything.

Ever.

Because I'm a dork and chose to ignore that bit of advice, I am now exactly $376 poorer. In addition, I'll probably have to pay another $500+ since the crown that needs replacing was only 3 years old and the insurance most likely won't cover it. I'm numb. And I'm not talking about my mouth (though that's numb too).

Happy Wednesday to me.

My Best Friends: My Sisters

2009-03-19T22:47:00.011-05:00

My sister, Heather, came for a visit this week. That meant that four out of the five sisters were here. It was fantastic! (We missed you, Rachel.) I don't know how other families are, but when we girls get together, it's complete chaos. We always end up staying awake until the wee hours of the morning (the magic time this week was 4:30 am) talking, laughing, and crying until our throats and sides are sore. There was more crying than usual this time (three out of the four of us were a bit emotional), but it was nice to have each other to lean on. I miss that. I miss reminiscing about old times and making fun of our "whiskey tango" childhood. I miss having people around me who love me unconditionally; people who know who I was but still love who I am. I sometimes wonder how we all turned out so normal, considering some of the crap we went through. I feel grateful I didn't have to go through as much as my older siblings, but I'm happy for the lot I was given. I'm a stronger person because of it, and I don't regret a thing. Ok, maybe that's not the complete truth. But...I have learned from it all, and I try to use that in times (like now) when I don't feel quite so strong. I'm learning to find strength within myself. But when it's difficult to find that strength, it's nice to know I have four wonderful friends I can turn to: My sisters.

PS: I hate this picture of me, but it's the most recent picture I have of all of us

Celebrity crush

2009-03-07T21:50:00.001-06:00

I just have two things to say about this video. First, I really miss Kidd Kraddick in the Morning. A lot. I'm so glad I can go to YouTube to get my KKITM fix (podcasts are heaven-sent as well).

Second...oh my gosh, I think I have a celebrity crush. Listen to this guy sing! His voice gives me the chills. Plus, he's so darn cute. I've watched this video three times now. Ha ha!

The end.

Breakable

2009-03-05T23:12:00.001-06:00

I love LOVE love this song....and Ingrid Michaelson. She is amazing. End of story.

My love language

2009-02-28T11:44:00.022-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of touch. Quite a few months back, Chrissy gave us a quiz to determine our love language. Mine was physical touch. My close friends laughed when they heard this because they know how freaked out I can be when the wrong person touches me. That's because touch can either be a very positive or a very negative thing, depending on where it's coming from. I offer some recent examples.

On Friday night I slept over at my sister's house. Early this morning I woke up to the feeling of little hands touching my feet. A moment later, I opened my eyes to see this cute little face (Austin) peering over the couch at me.

He was beaming with excitement and exclaimed "Becky!" He was just thrilled to see me. Following closely behind him was this little guy (Liam, 3-1/2 years):

I opened up my blanket, and both kiddos crawled up onto the couch to cuddle with me. It was the best wakeup call ever! A little while later I stumbled into the living room where they were watching cartoons. Austin saw me come in and again squealed "Becky!" He then started patting the couch, motioning for me to sit by him, so I obeyed. After I sat down, he scooted over into the crook of my arm and leaned up against me for the next 30 minutes. It melts my heart to even think about it. These are examples of the good kind of touching, the kind that I can't get enough of.

Sometimes, however, touch has quite the opposite affect. Tonight was the adult session of stake conference. I got there right before it started and quickly found a seat. One of my friends came and sat in the chair to my left. Instead of sitting in the middle of his chair, though, he decided to sit so he was practically in my lap. I kept scooting more and more to my right to avoid being smashed up against him. No such luck; he responded to that by leaning even closer. Then he kept nudging me with his shoulder, trying to get my attention. When I would look over at him, he would respond with a "bouncing eyebrow" and a grin. I failed to see the humor in that situation. The whole time I kept comparing his size to the size of every other person around me. Could he possibly be so big that he can't help but spill over into my personal space? Nope, not the case. So I spent most of the session with my arms tightly folded, trying to make myself as small as possible. At one point, he even reached over and started rubbing my hand, asking if I was cold. I quickly jerked away (pure reflex), and now I feel bad because I think he was offended. It was awkward beyond awkward, though. I was just so uncomfortable, wishing I would have stayed home to study. That is the kind of thing that makes people think I'm anti-touch. If my instinct is to flinch when you touch me, there's likely something wrong (i.e., don't touch me).

While touching sends powerful messages, so does NOT touching. I've had this conversation with a few of you, some of whom think I'm a whack-job for feeling this way. I'm gonna repeat it anyway. When I'm dating a guy I feel like there needs to be a bit of physical contact after you've been out a few times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type who wants my date to be hanging all over me (especially not in public) or who wants too much physical contact too quickly. A little bit of physical affection would be nice though: hold my hand, put your arm around me, hug me, sit close to me, touch my hair... something! Sweet words are nice -- and they certainly make me smile -- but if you make no effort to touch me, I'm going to forget all of that sweetness and worry that you're not really interested after all (no matter how many times you tell me you are). Dating without any sort of physical contact puts you dangerously close to the friend zone. I'm just sayin'...

Sad Songs

2009-02-21T23:11:00.005-06:00

I don't know what my deal has been this weekend, but I've just been in a funk. There's really no reason for this. My life is fantastic right now. And I actually had a pretty good weekend, spent with people I genuinely care about. I guess I just needed a sad day (or two) to counteract all the happiness I've felt in the past month or so. I'm actually not an Elton John fan (at all!), but this song fits my mood perfectly tonight. It’s funny because I even have a playlist on my iPod for days like these. It's called (you guessed it!) "Sad Songs." It's full of all the depressing songs that make me want to curl up in a ball and cry the night away. I haven't listened to it in a while but may need to tonight so I can release all of this negative energy. I’ll be fine in the morning.

Girls: Don’t deny the fact that you know just what I’m talking about - sometimes you just need a good cry.
Guys: Yes, we’re all crazy. There, I said it.

Facebook Overload

2009-02-15T19:37:00.006-06:00

My fabulous roommate, Sara, and I were just discussing how silly Facebook is...particularly about being friends with everyone and their dog (and their dog's friends). Five minutes later, I logged on and saw this article. Oh my goodness! That is SOOO me (with the exception of the "top 10 warning signs," most of which don't really apply). Sara recently deleted a bunch of people from her friend list and has gotten it down into the double digits. I, on the other have just surpassed the 400 friends mark, and it kind of makes me sick. What started out as a novel way to keep in touch with old friends has gotten way out of control. I am now trying to catch up with all sorts of people that I didn't even know that well before we got "back in touch." Is this really necessary? Do I really need to be Facebook friends with everyone I saw one time across the room at church? Or with every person in my high school graduating class? Or the girl who sat behind me in Spanish class three semesters ago? They are all lovely people, so where do I draw the line? Should I go through and delete people I don't know all that well? I want to keep in touch with people, but it's gotten way out of hand. How do I decide who is "worthy" of keeping in contact with and who is not? What have you done to avoid this Facebook overload?

An unlikely gentleman

2009-02-02T20:05:00.003-06:00

Chivalry is not dead. When I got on the tram this morning, it was standing room only. People continued to pile in, so everyone kept squeezing closer and closer together. As I took off my backpack to put it on the floor, a young guy (about 21 years old) looked up and offered me his seat. My first instinct was to decline, but I realized I should be supporting that kind of behavior. Plus, I really didn't want to hold onto that germ-infested bar anymore. That simple act really impressed me. It’s not often that a young guy (especially outside of our Church) does something like that. It really made my day. So thank you to the sweet college boy who gave up his seat for me. And thank you to all of you gentlemen who make it a habit to respect and honor women with those simple acts of kindness, such as holding doors open and giving up your seat on a crowded bus. I appreciate you!

Missed calls

2009-01-31T14:25:00.008-06:00

I sort of have a rule that when someone calls me and doesn't leave a message, I won't call them back. My voicemail recording even states that fact. The only exceptions to this rule are when the missed call is from a family member or very close friend. Even then, I sometimes feel justified in ignoring it (I really don't like talking on the phone). But sometimes I receive a call that piques my interest, and it takes every bit of self-control not to call that person back. I got one of those calls today. No good can come from calling this person, so I'm sticking to my guns and ignoring it. My curiosity is killing me though.

Living in a dream

2009-01-29T20:53:00.005-06:00

Two weeks in school (almost), and I'm still alive. Here are some things I've recently discovered:

1.) I absolutely LOVE tennis. I'm a terrible player, but I guess that's to be expected since I've only picked up a racket twice now. But seriously, what a fun game! Why didn't anyone share this joy with me sooner? A girl has to find out on her own after living 29 years without it. What a shame! I'm hooked.

2.) The Texas State Tram is the coolest thing since FM radio. It picks you up right in front of your apartment and brings you to the center of campus. It's constantly in service, so you usually only have to wait 5-7 minutes if you miss it. Plus, it's all FREE! I may never drive again. LOL.

3.) Small wards/branches are INCREDIBLE. I was nervous about moving here, but I am already a part of the branch family. My life hasn't felt this "right" in a long time. I'm just so happy. Even my roommate feels like she belongs; she's come to FHE twice and to Institute once (today, in fact). I've never met a friendlier bunch of people. (PS: I'm not dissing on SA - it's just harder to fit in so quickly in such a large ward.)

4.) I actually enjoy many of the subjects I thought I hated. History is fascinating, speech makes me laugh, and bio (the lab portion) is actually very interesting. I must admit the lecture portion of biology is a TOTAL bore, but that probably has something to do with the fact that it's at 8 am.

5.) After only two weeks here, I already feel a deep sense of pride being a Bobcat. I already own four TX State T-shirts, a sweatshirt, and a blanket. And I fully plan on buying more as time goes by. I wish I could wear TX State gear every day of the week. Maybe that's weird, but I don't care. I love my school!

Life is good.

Let me paint you a picture...

2009-01-18T19:11:00.003-06:00

Allow me to paint you a picture of my first weekend “away” at school. Wild parties? Boys? No, even better (LOL). I got into town on Saturday around 7 PM. One of my roommates was planning to spend the evening with friends in Austin and another was heading off to make apple crisp with a neighbor. I decided to use the evening to unpack and clean my room (yes, I like to live on the wild side). I finished unpacking my boxes and stepped out of the apartment to throw them in the dumpster. As I headed out the door, I thought “Maybe I should take my keys just in case my roommate leaves while I’m outside.” I quickly pushed that thought aside, assuming the chances of her leaving during that two minutes were pretty slim. (Do you see where I’m going with this?) As I was walking back to the apartment, I saw a girl across the parking lot rushing to her car. I thought, “Uh oh, what if that’s my roommate?!” Instead of calling out her name, like a normal person might do, I rushed to the front door to see if it was locked. What luck! It was. I rushed back out to the parking lot just as the red Mustang was pulling away and started yelling her name, flapping my arms in the air like a crazy person. Unfortunately she didn’t see me and peeled off into the night. So here I am at 9:30 on a Saturday night, wearing a pair of baggy sweats, a ratty old T-shirt that is LITERALLY three sizes too big, and my granny slippers (very warm and comfy, not so stylish). I had no idea what to do and I was mortified to be seen in those clothes, so I sat on the steps and waited. After about 30 minutes, I decided to look for my other roommate. I knew she was at a neighbor’s house, but I didn’t know which apartment she lived in. So… I started knocking on random doors, hoping to find her (or at least someone that knew her). First door: Hot guy wearing nothing but a skimpy towel. It was mortifying. I gave up after several doors proved unfruitful and decided to go sit. My roommate promised to bring home some apple crisp, so I knew she’d be back before it got too late. She finally showed up at about 10:30, at which point the story became funny (experiences like this are never very funny when you’re in the middle of them). Good times!

Church today was pretty cool. The branch here is much smaller than I expected, but the members are fantastic. Since it’s so tiny, it’s easy to notice the new people, and I was greeted by practically everyone. They made me feel right at home, and I have no doubt I will thrive here. What’s even more amazing is that during the opening hymn, a girl came into the chapel looking for a place to sit. I gestured for her to sit next to me, and she gratefully smiled down at me. Her face looked familiar, and it took me a minute to realize she looked just like my Madrid MTC companion. I didn’t believe it could actually be her, so I craned my neck to see her scriptures. Sure enough, it was. She just moved here for grad school. How amazing is that?! I haven’t seen her since we left Madrid 5½ years ago, and here she was sitting by my side. What a tender mercy! I can tell this is going to be a great semester. I’m so happy to be here.

Things you ought'a know

2009-01-06T10:56:00.024-06:00

The other day when Yangster and I were talking, I casually mentioned something about my dad passing away. She was taken aback because apparently we had never had this conversation before. I felt silly because that's obviously a big part of who I am today. I've been pondering this ever since. Why do I find it so difficult to share personal things with the people I care the most about? At what point in a friendship do I truly let my full self be known? Have I ever let my full self be known? To anyone?

So...in light of this, I've decided to compile a random list of things you ought to know about me. These aren't deep, dark secrets or anything (it'll take a while for me to be that comfortable), but maybe it'll give you a little insight into who I am.

Things you ought'a know about me:

I love, love, LOVE this song... like, more than any other song on the planet. It's been my absolute favorite since I first saw Karate Kid II as a little girl. Whenever I hear it, my heart swells, and I'm taken away to another place. I just love it.
I hate the smell of men's cologne (less is more!), bacon & eggs, and rose-scented perfume/lotion/soap.
I love the smell of lilacs, freshly mowed grass, rain, dryer vent air, and freshly bathed babies (gotta love that baby lotion).
I believe people are generally good.
I hate eating on a first date (or second, or third...).
My "language" for showing love is through service. So...please let me take care of your fish while you're out of town...or pick you up from the airport even though your flight arrives at 1 AM on a weeknight...or wash the dishes/clean the bathroom/cook dinner for you...or even just sit with you when you're too sad to talk.
I never sing in the shower.
I LOVE "reality" TV shows.
I love hugs (not the candy...white chocolate = gross)!

Well...I'm out of time, so that's all you get for now.

I could never be a teacher

2008-12-16T11:13:00.004-06:00

These past two weeks have been a bit hectic. I’ve been writing papers, studying for finals, trying to find a place to live, and training my replacement at work. I turned in the paper last week, and I’ll take my last final tonight (hooray!). I also found a fantastic place to live and got it for a fraction of the price most of the tenants are paying. Life is good. The only thing I haven’t quite enjoyed is training this new person. She’s a sweetheart, but…well…let’s just say it’s been a patience-building exercise for me. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to not reach over and yank the keyboard from her hands and do it myself. I’m sick of repeating the same thing over and over again, only to be asked about it five minutes later. I just can’t comprehend why it’s so difficult to grasp; my job is really not that complicated, especially for someone that supposedly has the required experience. I guess one month of training really wasn’t that far-fetched after all. I’m now beginning to think it won’t be enough time. She keeps saying “I should get your cell number in case I need help.” In my head I’m thinking, “Honey, if a month of training doesn’t cut it, there’s really no hope for you.” And “H no, I’m not giving you my number!” She started last Monday, so I still have another 3-1/2 weeks of this. My only consolation is that two of the weeks are broken up by holidays; I’ve never been happier for Christmas! Oh, and to make matters worse, she’s been sick this whole time and has been coughing all over the place. Yuck! Right now she’s only working afternoons, so every morning when I come into work, I take out my handy dandy Lysol sanitizing wipes and give my desk a complete scrub down. I just now used my last one to wipe down all my pens and pencils. Guess I better run to Wal-Mart before I come in tomorrow. The countdown is on!

I saw God today

2008-12-01T16:56:00.004-06:00

I love music. It clears my mind of clutter and provides an escape whenever I need it. I rarely pay attention to song lyrics; the music is simply there to overpower my racing thoughts. However, I recently discovered two songs that I absolutely LOVE: (1) You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins and (2) I Saw God Today by George Strait. If you haven’t heard these yet, take a minute to go listen.

These songs remind me to take a step back and recognize the blessings I’ve been given in life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine and forget to give thanks for everything around us. How often do you hear people say things like, “I’ll be so much happier once I…” or “I can’t wait until…” The chorus to Trace Adkins’ song responds to this mentality:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

It’s so true! I’m often guilty of thinking, “tomorrow will be so much better,” and I forget to just pause and enjoy today. Do we ever really appreciate life while we live it? Or are we constantly wishing for more, ignoring the small miracles that occur every day? In George Strait’s song, he talks about how God’s fingerprints are everywhere; we just need to slow down and look for them. He sings about seeing a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk, seemingly planted there just for him to see. The noises of the world around him are suddenly silenced by this small miracle, and he realizes he has seen the hand of God. I love the simplicity of this song and the writer’s recognition of God’s hand in all things. Those four words are so profound to me: I saw God today.

We have so many reasons to rejoice each day. I hope we’ll all learn to slow down and appreciate life in the moment. Look for “God’s fingerprints” in your daily life; I know you will find them.

In what ways did you see God today?

Writer's block

2008-11-29T12:15:00.013-06:00

I had a dream about Spain last night, and now I can't stop thinking about that place. I would much rather be there than where I am right now (i.e., sitting alone at home trying to write my dumb Texas Politics paper).

Me with Vicky and Joaquin

(My favorite place to eat in the mission)

Plaza Moyua in Bilbao

Guggenheim museum in Bilbao

La Ria de Bilbao (with cutie Sergio)

Santander - the prettiest city I served in

Santander again

We spent many a days walking up and down

this path doing street contacts

Confession

2008-11-25T13:20:00.004-06:00

Do you secretly LOVE the new Britney Spears song, Womanizer, and blast your stereo whenever it comes on and dance in your car like a crazed teenager and belt out the lyrics like your life depended on it?

No? Oh. Me neither.

LOL

Memory Lane

2008-11-24T10:21:00.011-06:00

One of my favorite things about the holidays is that we always sit around telling funny stories from our childhood. Here are some amusing (to me, at least) highlights from my early years:

Ignoring the “No Trespassing” sign to go play in the river and jump off the mini waterfall
My friend Suzy getting too close to the waterfall and falling through the ice (fortunately, she was fine and only lost a shoe)
Camping under the railroad tracks by the river (Why on earth did my mother let us do that?!)
Sledding/skiing down the metal roof of the little shack by our house
Rummaging through the shack, trying to find hidden treasures (I still have a newspaper I found from 1918)
Packing up my favorite clothes and running away to the shack… then getting bored and going home a few hours later when I realized my mom probably wouldn’t notice I was gone anyway
Melting icicles on the wood stove when our mom wasn’t looking (she hated when we did that)
Sitting on the wood stove when we were really cold (ruined a few snowsuits that way)
Trying to build an igloo in our front yard
Pretending to have an invisible friend so my little sister would be jealous (and she WAS)
Doing flips off the top bunk
The creative fun we had whenever the power went out (Sarah and Rachel, do you remember “Ooga Booga”? LOL!)
Going to work with Mom and running around the doctor’s office while she typed (she worked nights doing medical transcription)
Spending a month in San Francisco with my friend and her supposed grandmother when I was only 10 years old: Wandering the streets by ourselves each day, getting chased by a crazy man, playing in a Catholic church (probably shouldn’t have done that), working in the flower shop… (Again, what was my mother thinking?!)
Collecting snakes, tadpoles, frogs, crawdads, etc. for our wading pool

What are some of your favorite memories?

Trunky

2008-11-21T10:28:00.007-06:00

I didn't know what I was getting into when I kindly gave more than two months' notice at my job. I naively figured the new person would start about a week before I headed out (it normally takes that long - or longer - to hire someone around here). But au contraire. Just two weeks after I gave my notice, they've already chosen someone to replace me. Turns out the new person will start in about a week, and I will have to train her for an entire MONTH. I am really not looking forward to that. Seriously, my job is not THAT difficult to learn. It makes me doubt the qualifications of this person if she requires five weeks of babysitting before she can handle the job on her own...or maybe I've just done a REALLY good job of making my job seem complex. LOL! January 9 seems so far away.

Side note: Our new mail delivery guy is really friendly. I wish I could be that happy in a job that's probably quite mundane.

A beautiful kind of love

2008-11-19T22:55:00.002-06:00

When I showed up at my sister’s house on Sunday night for dinner, my three-year-old nephew, Liam, raced in from the other room, screaming my name with delight. He barreled into me, tightly wrapped his little arms around my legs, and kissed my knee. Beaming up at me, he exclaimed, “I’m fast! Watch me! I’m so fast!” With that, he ran back into the living room. I figured that would be the last time he’d acknowledge me until dinner. To my surprise, though, he snuck up behind me just a few minutes later and started hugging and kissing me again. I, of course, loved every minute of it; nothing is sweeter than hugs and kisses from one of my nieces or nephews. Part of me wondered if he had forgotten that he already greeted me at the door, but I didn’t mind the extra affection.

My youngest nephew, Austin, is about 20 months old. I picked him up to give him a hug and kiss, and he responded with the kind of smile that would soften even the grumpiest of hearts. Then when I asked (multiple times, I might add), “Can I have another hug?” he giggled and quickly complied, sometimes even adding a kiss. He is precious. He always lets me hold him as long as I want, as does my niece, Sarah. When I visit, she usually spends every moment either by my side or somehow demanding my attention. It’s so sweet and makes me feel important…and loved. But I digress.

About fifteen minutes after I had arrived, Liam came up to hug me a third time. I looked down at that sweet little boy and realized I hadn’t felt that kind of love in a long time. Without saying a word, I lifted him into my arms and held him close to my chest, his head resting on my shoulder. After a moment he looked up at me and said “I love you too, Becky!” I hadn’t even said anything, but he knew what I was feeling.

Liam’s affection melted my heart. How can this little child have such a strong comprehension of what love is and how to express it? How come I, with my 20-something years, am so far behind him? What did I do to deserve such love? Did I earn it, or does he just love unconditionally? Liam’s is the kind of love you absolutely know is true because three-year-olds can’t be forced to do anything, even give hugs. I quickly learned that when I was leaving: I guess I’d maxed out my “hug quota” for the night because he didn’t even want to say goodbye. That small “rejection” (if you want to call it that) made his earlier affection all the more special to me; I knew he meant it. His love is the most beautiful, purest kind of humanly love there is…the kind I’m not sure I know how to give.

I guess I'll start blogging

2008-11-17T15:15:00.004-06:00

After some gentle prodding from The Chrissy Herself and Yangster, I've decided to start my own blog. I'm not promising anything fantastic or mind-boggling, just random (and probably quite sporadic) thoughts and experiences. I'll amuse myself, I'm sure, if nobody else. :)

Bex