Control your thoughts

Earlier today I was talking to a friend about some things I’ve been struggling with, and I commented that I wasn’t really doing anything to help my situation. She stopped me and asked, "Do you really feel like you’re not doing anything?" I was taken aback because I hadn’t even realized that those words had come out of my mouth. In fact, I knew that what I said wasn’t even true - I have, in fact, been doing things to help myself. I even began listing those things off to her.

That conversation has been replaying in my head all day. With all of the negativity I expose myself to on a daily basis (at school, at work, while watching TV, etc.), it never occurred to me that I was exposing myself to much more within the confines of my own head. Have you ever thought about that? I’ve always been aware of the negative things I say to myself consciously, but I never considered how often I talk down to myself without even realizing it. I wonder what effect that has had on my self-esteem.

Last night at Institute* we talked about one of my favorite passages of scripture in The Pearl of Great Price*. Moses had just spoken with God who told him repeatedly, "Thou art my son." Moments later, Satan arrived and tried to tempt Moses. Multiple times he told him "Moses, son of man, worship me." Moses’s response always floors me. He looked at Satan and confidently stated "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?" (Moses 1:13) Satan continued tempting him but Moses knew who he was and stood firm. What an incredible example!

I wish I could be more like Moses in times of adversity. After all, I know who I am. I am a daughter of God. Why is that so difficult to remember in times of challenge? How come it’s so much easier to look around and see the goodness in those around me? I’ll be the first to correct my friends when they talk down to themselves. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of negativity because I know it’s such a small portion of who that person really is. Shouldn’t we be just as aware of our own amazing qualities?

This week my goal is to be cognizant of the things I say to myself. When those moments of self-doubt creep in, I hope I can follow Moses’s example.

Who art thou, Satan?
For behold, I am a daughter of God!

*For those of you who don’t know what Institute or The Pearl of Great Price are, click here and here.

Noise

Lately I've been reflecting on an experience I had while attending church with my sister. This particular church had a band that played music before the sermon began. When the pastor began to speak, I figured the band would step off the stage. Instead, they continued playing as he spoke. It was kind of a cool concept to have background music while he was speaking. Unfortunately, the music was much louder than his voice, and I had difficulty hearing the message. The few words I heard were inspiring, but the rest got lost in the noise of guitar strumming and drum rolls. This experience has stuck with me over the years. It caused me to reflect on the noises I allow into my life that distract me from hearing the word of God. In the scriptures, it describes the "whisperings" of the Holy Ghost and states that the Spirit speaks with a "still, small voice." With all the noise around us, how can we truly HEAR the word of God?

Over the years, I've gotten into the habit of constantly surrounding myself with noise. Every time I walk into my quiet apartment, I immediately turn on the TV. It's not that I'm interested in watching it; I'm just uncomfortable with the silence. When I'm alone in my car, the stereo is always blasting. On school days, I wear my iPod from the moment I step out of my car until I reach the classroom. I constantly surround myself with noise.

Why?

Because when it's quiet, my mind fills with endless lists: Lists of things I've neglected to do and people I haven't called, of chapters to read and tests to prepare for, of bills to pay and groceries to buy, of choices I regret and decisions I need to make, of unanswered questions about my future. When it's quiet, I remember my failures, my fears, my weaknesses. I think about the people I have loved who will never love me back and I remember the emptiness I received in return for that love. When it's quiet, I remember how lonely I am.

Maybe that's why I'm always turning on the TV or the stereo or my iPod. It's all I can do to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with life. And you know what? It works. That's also the problem though. I can't feel much of anything with all of this noise going on around me. How can I be comforted if there's a band behind me, overpowering the words God is speaking to me? How can I receive answers if I can't even feel myself breathe?

So...

I've decided to turn it all off. Turn off the TV, turn off the stereo, turn off my iPod. Not all the time, of course. I do love my music, after all. And how can I go a week without getting embarrassed over something idiotic that Michael Scott says or does? Occasionally, though, it's OK to listen to nothing but silence. It's not going to kill me if all I can hear is the ticking of the clock or the hum of the refrigerator.

As I was driving to San Antonio last night, I remembered my goal and turned off the stereo. In that hour-long drive, I received some very distinct impressions about my life that I might have otherwise missed out on. Yes, I did feel a little overwhelmed by all the craziness flying around in my brain. And yes, a few tears did escape after all that pain wasn't masked anymore. But you know what? I'm OK. And I'll be OK. Because I realized this:

The noise we allow into our lives may distract us from whatever it is we're hiding from, but it will never take it away. Silence, on the other hand, opens the doorway for reflection and personal revelation - both of which can provide healing.

I'm setting aside time each day to allow more silence into my life. I think you should too.

The Finish Line

This morning I had the opportunity to volunteer at a half marathon with a group of coworkers. My assignment was to hand out water and Gatorade at mile marker 6. The last runner to pass our station was a man in red shorts. He looked tired and downtrodden but seemed determined to continue on. As he accepted the Gatorade I offered, he made the comment that we could pack up and leave because he was the last one. I informed him there were still a few more people (we had just been told that), and a shimmer of hope flashed across his face. A moment later I looked up and realized there was a white truck following closely behind, packing up the orange cones. It upset me that they would be so obvious about the fact he was the final runner. How disheartening that would feel! What harm would it have caused for them to wait a few extra minutes before cleaning up the course? We cheered him on his way, packed up our gear, and left to meet up with the rest of our crew.

At the finish line, we handed out mugs and congratulated the racers on their feat. On three separate occasions, I was told I could leave. I was torn because I had to be at church at 11 am, but I wanted to see the man in red shorts cross the finish line. I decided to wait. I had cheered for him at the "You're almost half way!" point and wanted to be there when he finished. Two hours passed, and I continued to wait. Three of my coworkers decided to stay as well. We watched as the race coordinators began to pack up the banners, barricades, and other equipment. Very few people remained. We worried that maybe our friend wasn't able to finish the race after all. Still, we waited. We didn't want him to cross the finish line alone. At last we received word that he was approaching the final stretch. I anxiously watched in the distance until I saw him coming around the bend. My coworkers and I immediately started cheering, and the announcer called out his name over the loud speaker. We screamed for joy as he crossed the finish line and congratulated him on finishing the race. I was so happy that he made it.

This experience caused me to reflect on our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He sent us to this earth to receive our mortal bodies so we could become more like Him. The race wouldn't be easy, but He promised to give us what we would need in order to make it to the finish line. Just as the racers had arrows showing them the way to go, we have scriptures, church leaders, personal revelation, etc. to keep us on the right path. He even sent His son, Jesus Christ, to show us the way. We aren't alone in our journey either. The Holy Ghost provides comfort at times we feel like we can't make it to that next mile marker, let alone the finish line. We also have family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers who encourage us to continue onward.

Sometimes I feel like that man in red shorts. The race truck is following closely behind, constantly reminding me of how slow I'm going. It's often tempting to just stop running. It's at those moments of quiet desperation that I feel God's love manifested to me in different ways: a bear hug from my nephew, a long conversation with a new friend, a compliment from a stranger, my favorite song played on the radio, a feeling of peace in my soul.

At the close of church today we sang the hymn, I Know That My Redeemer Lives (Hymn #136). As I sang the lines, "He lives to comfort me when faint" and "He lives and loves me to the end," I could picture our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ anxiously waiting for me at the finish line, hoping I would make it safely back to them. Even if I am the last runner and everyone else has given up on me, I know they will be there. Their love is the only constant thing in our lives. If nothing else, we can lean on them.

I saw God today

I love music. It clears my mind of clutter and provides an escape whenever I need it. I rarely pay attention to song lyrics; the music is simply there to overpower my racing thoughts. However, I recently discovered two songs that I absolutely LOVE: (1) You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins and (2) I Saw God Today by George Strait. If you haven’t heard these yet, take a minute to go listen.

These songs remind me to take a step back and recognize the blessings I’ve been given in life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine and forget to give thanks for everything around us. How often do you hear people say things like, “I’ll be so much happier once I…” or “I can’t wait until…” The chorus to Trace Adkins’ song responds to this mentality:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

It’s so true! I’m often guilty of thinking, “tomorrow will be so much better,” and I forget to just pause and enjoy today. Do we ever really appreciate life while we live it? Or are we constantly wishing for more, ignoring the small miracles that occur every day? In George Strait’s song, he talks about how God’s fingerprints are everywhere; we just need to slow down and look for them. He sings about seeing a flower growing in the middle of the sidewalk, seemingly planted there just for him to see. The noises of the world around him are suddenly silenced by this small miracle, and he realizes he has seen the hand of God. I love the simplicity of this song and the writer’s recognition of God’s hand in all things. Those four words are so profound to me: I saw God today.

We have so many reasons to rejoice each day. I hope we’ll all learn to slow down and appreciate life in the moment. Look for “God’s fingerprints” in your daily life; I know you will find them.

In what ways did you see God today?