Control your thoughts

Earlier today I was talking to a friend about some things I’ve been struggling with, and I commented that I wasn’t really doing anything to help my situation. She stopped me and asked, "Do you really feel like you’re not doing anything?" I was taken aback because I hadn’t even realized that those words had come out of my mouth. In fact, I knew that what I said wasn’t even true - I have, in fact, been doing things to help myself. I even began listing those things off to her.

That conversation has been replaying in my head all day. With all of the negativity I expose myself to on a daily basis (at school, at work, while watching TV, etc.), it never occurred to me that I was exposing myself to much more within the confines of my own head. Have you ever thought about that? I’ve always been aware of the negative things I say to myself consciously, but I never considered how often I talk down to myself without even realizing it. I wonder what effect that has had on my self-esteem.

Last night at Institute* we talked about one of my favorite passages of scripture in The Pearl of Great Price*. Moses had just spoken with God who told him repeatedly, "Thou art my son." Moments later, Satan arrived and tried to tempt Moses. Multiple times he told him "Moses, son of man, worship me." Moses’s response always floors me. He looked at Satan and confidently stated "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?" (Moses 1:13) Satan continued tempting him but Moses knew who he was and stood firm. What an incredible example!

I wish I could be more like Moses in times of adversity. After all, I know who I am. I am a daughter of God. Why is that so difficult to remember in times of challenge? How come it’s so much easier to look around and see the goodness in those around me? I’ll be the first to correct my friends when they talk down to themselves. It breaks my heart to hear that kind of negativity because I know it’s such a small portion of who that person really is. Shouldn’t we be just as aware of our own amazing qualities?

This week my goal is to be cognizant of the things I say to myself. When those moments of self-doubt creep in, I hope I can follow Moses’s example.

Who art thou, Satan?
For behold, I am a daughter of God!

*For those of you who don’t know what Institute or The Pearl of Great Price are, click here and here.

Noise

Lately I've been reflecting on an experience I had while attending church with my sister. This particular church had a band that played music before the sermon began. When the pastor began to speak, I figured the band would step off the stage. Instead, they continued playing as he spoke. It was kind of a cool concept to have background music while he was speaking. Unfortunately, the music was much louder than his voice, and I had difficulty hearing the message. The few words I heard were inspiring, but the rest got lost in the noise of guitar strumming and drum rolls. This experience has stuck with me over the years. It caused me to reflect on the noises I allow into my life that distract me from hearing the word of God. In the scriptures, it describes the "whisperings" of the Holy Ghost and states that the Spirit speaks with a "still, small voice." With all the noise around us, how can we truly HEAR the word of God?

Over the years, I've gotten into the habit of constantly surrounding myself with noise. Every time I walk into my quiet apartment, I immediately turn on the TV. It's not that I'm interested in watching it; I'm just uncomfortable with the silence. When I'm alone in my car, the stereo is always blasting. On school days, I wear my iPod from the moment I step out of my car until I reach the classroom. I constantly surround myself with noise.

Why?

Because when it's quiet, my mind fills with endless lists: Lists of things I've neglected to do and people I haven't called, of chapters to read and tests to prepare for, of bills to pay and groceries to buy, of choices I regret and decisions I need to make, of unanswered questions about my future. When it's quiet, I remember my failures, my fears, my weaknesses. I think about the people I have loved who will never love me back and I remember the emptiness I received in return for that love. When it's quiet, I remember how lonely I am.

Maybe that's why I'm always turning on the TV or the stereo or my iPod. It's all I can do to keep myself from getting overwhelmed with life. And you know what? It works. That's also the problem though. I can't feel much of anything with all of this noise going on around me. How can I be comforted if there's a band behind me, overpowering the words God is speaking to me? How can I receive answers if I can't even feel myself breathe?

So...

I've decided to turn it all off. Turn off the TV, turn off the stereo, turn off my iPod. Not all the time, of course. I do love my music, after all. And how can I go a week without getting embarrassed over something idiotic that Michael Scott says or does? Occasionally, though, it's OK to listen to nothing but silence. It's not going to kill me if all I can hear is the ticking of the clock or the hum of the refrigerator.

As I was driving to San Antonio last night, I remembered my goal and turned off the stereo. In that hour-long drive, I received some very distinct impressions about my life that I might have otherwise missed out on. Yes, I did feel a little overwhelmed by all the craziness flying around in my brain. And yes, a few tears did escape after all that pain wasn't masked anymore. But you know what? I'm OK. And I'll be OK. Because I realized this:

The noise we allow into our lives may distract us from whatever it is we're hiding from, but it will never take it away. Silence, on the other hand, opens the doorway for reflection and personal revelation - both of which can provide healing.

I'm setting aside time each day to allow more silence into my life. I think you should too.

My Best Friends: My Sisters

My sister, Heather, came for a visit this week. That meant that four out of the five sisters were here. It was fantastic! (We missed you, Rachel.) I don't know how other families are, but when we girls get together, it's complete chaos. We always end up staying awake until the wee hours of the morning (the magic time this week was 4:30 am) talking, laughing, and crying until our throats and sides are sore. There was more crying than usual this time (three out of the four of us were a bit emotional), but it was nice to have each other to lean on. I miss that. I miss reminiscing about old times and making fun of our "whiskey tango" childhood. I miss having people around me who love me unconditionally; people who know who I was but still love who I am. I sometimes wonder how we all turned out so normal, considering some of the crap we went through. I feel grateful I didn't have to go through as much as my older siblings, but I'm happy for the lot I was given. I'm a stronger person because of it, and I don't regret a thing. Ok, maybe that's not the complete truth. But...I have learned from it all, and I try to use that in times (like now) when I don't feel quite so strong. I'm learning to find strength within myself. But when it's difficult to find that strength, it's nice to know I have four wonderful friends I can turn to: My sisters.

PS: I hate this picture of me, but it's the most recent picture I have of all of us