This has been an odd year for me. Everything in my life seems out of whack right now: school, work, church, my financial situation, my relationships. I’m not motivated in school, I can’t focus, and I don’t enjoy life like I once did. I just haven’t been myself. I keep telling my friends that I’m broken. Never has that felt truer than in recent days.
You see, I broke two friendships in the past week. One of them was with someone whom I love very much but just haven’t felt any sort of connection with lately. This might be due to my “broken” state of being, or it might be that the friendship has simply run its course. At any rate, it became clear that I needed to end our friendship, so I did it. While I’m heartbroken that I hurt her in that way, I’m convinced it was the right thing for me. Unfortunately, we still have to see each other at church events, and it’s just plain awkward.
Enter person number two. Remember how I said that everything in my life has felt out of whack this year? Well, there was actually one thing (i.e., a cool guy) that *did* feel good and right. Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy ended a few weeks ago, and now I’m back to feeling completely out of sorts. I would have done anything for him and stood by him through everything, so I was surprised that he wasn’t going to let me anymore. Things ended amicably but I’ve had a difficult time even being around him. Anyway, when I saw him last Wednesday night I felt like things were finally going to be OK. It was the first time in weeks that my chest didn’t tighten at the sight of him, and I could actually breathe. I felt at peace.
That peace ended quickly. The next day I got offended over something silly and sent him a heated e-mail. He could easily have written me off but instead took the time to patiently explain where he was coming from. I felt about two inches tall when I read his e-mail and quickly sent an apology. In my response, I explained to him why I reacted the way I did and thanked him for his patience with me. His short reply stated he would need some time to “digest” what I said before responding. That was several days ago. I’m not sure what I said that he needed to process first, but my intuition tells me it’s not good. I have a feeling that what I thought was a heartfelt apology only added to the hurt I already caused him. I’m at a loss for what to do. Things just aren’t going right for me this year.
"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." ~Tom Gates
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." ~Ambrose Bierce