Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My List

Tonight I was flipping through my journal and stopped on an entry that I wanted to share with you:

March 23, 2011

I really should be going to bed, but I had a moment of clarity today, and I needed to write it down. It hit me that my ex isn't the right guy for me. The right guy will want to be around me all the time. He'll think I'm beautiful and will make sure I know that. He'll make me a priority in his life, regardless of whatever else he's dealing with. With him, I'll never question whether or not he's "into me" because he'll show me in the way he looks at me and how he touches me. He will want to kiss me and won't let months of dating pass by without at least trying. He'll hold my hand. He'll hug me more than just to say hello or goodbye. I won't have to work so hard to get him to pay attention to me or want to spend time with me - he'll do it on his own. I won't feel inadequate or ugly or unworthy of his love. I will feel like we are equally yoked. I'll be able to openly share my sadness and frustrations without worrying that I'm a burden on him. I will be myself and will be happy doing so. I will feel cherished. I won't doubt his intentions. I will feel secure in our relationship. I will put his needs above my own, but he will do the same for me. That way we will both be taken care of. These are things I hope for in a companion. I'm not saying he has to have/do all of these things, but I would like him to strive for it. I want to be loved and honored and cherished. These aren't things my ex is capable of doing for me. I hope he'll be able to do that for someone someday, but in my heart, I know I'm not that girl. I hate admitting that because I love him so much. I'm grateful that I love him, though, because it gives me hope in finding love again. It also gives me a guideline for what I can expect in the future. I'm sure Heavenly Father has someone amazing in store for me - someone with most of the qualities I adore in my ex but who can fill in the gaps where he was lacking. I hope I can find that guy. And I hope I can be the girl he has hoped for. I'm definitely a work in progress.

I've often wondered if I had unrealistic hopes of what I wanted in a companion. I avoided making those dreaded lists of what I was looking for because I felt they filled people with an unhealthy desire to hold out for that perfect person. Without realizing it at the time, however, I made one of those lists three months ago in that journal entry. As I read my simple words tonight, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I never would have imagined that only one month after writing and praying about them, I would find the exact man I wrote about. What a tender mercy! If I ever start doubting the Lord's hand in my life or feel that he's not answering my prayers, I will look back at this journal entry. It reminds me that I am not alone; I am honored and cherished by a loving Heavenly Father. All I have to do is ask and wait in faith, and he will answer my prayers. This knowledge gives me hope.

... But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
1 Nephi 1:20)


Heather said...

I'm happy that he's everything you ever wanted, good luck!

katieg said...

So true! A tear came to my eye as I read this because those are the same things I thought about when Leland and I were dating. The fact that he wanted to be with me and wasn't embarrassed by my airheadness and didn't try to change anything about me and accepted me for who I am made all the doubting I had done in my life so worthless. When you know, you know. The Lord has amazing blessings (and timing) in store for you and your honey. Congratulations!

Chow said...

Lovely entry. It is a good example that we are on the Lord's timetable and not ours.

If we do what's right, He will send us the blessings- when He knows we need it and when we can appreciate it.

Love you!

Jeremy and Brigitte said...

I had almost the same exact realization about the guy I was dating right before I met Jeremy. Reading my journal leading up to meeting him, just simply amazes me. I'm so happy for you.

Adventures In China said...

You are so wise and smart. I look up to you, Rebecca! Thanks for being one of my guiding stars. :)

Clare said...

Your faith is amazing to me, I sometimes wonder if I have without even realizing it given up a little bit of faith that there is somewhere out there a man that will be all of those things for me. I am so happy for you!