My List

Tonight I was flipping through my journal and stopped on an entry that I wanted to share with you:

March 23, 2011

I really should be going to bed, but I had a moment of clarity today, and I needed to write it down. It hit me that my ex isn't the right guy for me. The right guy will want to be around me all the time. He'll think I'm beautiful and will make sure I know that. He'll make me a priority in his life, regardless of whatever else he's dealing with. With him, I'll never question whether or not he's "into me" because he'll show me in the way he looks at me and how he touches me. He will want to kiss me and won't let months of dating pass by without at least trying. He'll hold my hand. He'll hug me more than just to say hello or goodbye. I won't have to work so hard to get him to pay attention to me or want to spend time with me - he'll do it on his own. I won't feel inadequate or ugly or unworthy of his love. I will feel like we are equally yoked. I'll be able to openly share my sadness and frustrations without worrying that I'm a burden on him. I will be myself and will be happy doing so. I will feel cherished. I won't doubt his intentions. I will feel secure in our relationship. I will put his needs above my own, but he will do the same for me. That way we will both be taken care of. These are things I hope for in a companion. I'm not saying he has to have/do all of these things, but I would like him to strive for it. I want to be loved and honored and cherished. These aren't things my ex is capable of doing for me. I hope he'll be able to do that for someone someday, but in my heart, I know I'm not that girl. I hate admitting that because I love him so much. I'm grateful that I love him, though, because it gives me hope in finding love again. It also gives me a guideline for what I can expect in the future. I'm sure Heavenly Father has someone amazing in store for me - someone with most of the qualities I adore in my ex but who can fill in the gaps where he was lacking. I hope I can find that guy. And I hope I can be the girl he has hoped for. I'm definitely a work in progress.

I've often wondered if I had unrealistic hopes of what I wanted in a companion. I avoided making those dreaded lists of what I was looking for because I felt they filled people with an unhealthy desire to hold out for that perfect person. Without realizing it at the time, however, I made one of those lists three months ago in that journal entry. As I read my simple words tonight, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I never would have imagined that only one month after writing and praying about them, I would find the exact man I wrote about. What a tender mercy! If I ever start doubting the Lord's hand in my life or feel that he's not answering my prayers, I will look back at this journal entry. It reminds me that I am not alone; I am honored and cherished by a loving Heavenly Father. All I have to do is ask and wait in faith, and he will answer my prayers. This knowledge gives me hope.

... But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
(1 Nephi 1:20)

An off day/week/month...

Today was an off day for me. This is never good on a Sunday because I teach Sunday School and am expected to have the Spirit with me. Unfortunately, all I felt today were my nerves and the tears that constantly threatened to escape my stubborn eyes. Fortunately, Heavenly Father hears our prayers, even when we're not in the best of moods. It always amazes me how patient He is with me, despite my ever-expanding imperfections. He really helped me out today, and I'm so grateful for that.

Thanks for all your advice regarding the last blog I wrote. I finally realized that you (and the article) were right, so I ended my friendship with the boy. It was extremely difficult to do, and the wounds are still pretty fresh, but I know it was the right thing. I'm hoping down the road (once my feelings for him go away) we can be friends again, but I know we'll never be as close as we were. It hurts, but I suppose that's the reality of it all. These past few months have been wretched, so I hope this actually helps in the long run.

Random thoughts to lighten

the "mood" of this post...

Does it make me a total nerd to admit that I'm really excited about this? Oh, the memories! I never knew the DVD version was available, and I cannot wait to order it. Yippee!

Funny sight on the drive home from church today: A young man riding a unicycle while balancing a football in one arm and a 12-pack of beer in the other. Now that's talent!

After searching for several weeks, I finally found my favorite brand and flavor of toothpaste this weekend. I wanted to buy the entire stock, but I limited myself to four tubes. Who would have thought a find like that could bring such joy? I'm taking it as a sign that things are gonna start looking up. :)

Yesterday I went to Chrissy & Zach's reception. Everything was absolutely beautiful, especially Chrissy. I immediately started blubbering when I saw her, which is something I didn't expect. After all, she and I aren't that close and have only hung out a handful of times. There's something about her, though, that has always held a special place in my heart. I was so happy to be there to share that special day with her and Zach. You are both wonderful, and I'm so happy you found each other. Congratulations, again. I wish you all the best. I hope you both keep on blogging!

After All We Can Do

This talk, After All We Can Do,* means so much to me. It's by Elder Claudio D. Zivic, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy who also happens to be my mission president. He gave this talk in October 2007 when he was first called to the 70. I cried through the whole thing; it meant so much to see him again and hear his voice. He's an amazing man. I love the message of this talk. It probably means even more to me than most other people because I know him on a different level. I have no doubt that he's a man of God, so I hang onto every word he says. It makes me smile hearing him speak English too. He's from Argentina and rarely spoke more than two or three words to us in English. What a treat.

Earlier this month I was blessed with the opportunity to go to General Conference. I didn't really have the money, but I knew President and Hermana Zivic would be there. So...I went. Our mission reunion was on Friday night. I was intimidated to see the Zivics because my Spanish skills are quickly dwindling, and I didn't want them to hear how poorly I speak now (they always used to compliment me on how well I spoke Spanish). When I saw Hermana Zivic, she gave me a big hug and remembered just who I was. She said, "Remember the bookmark you and Hermana Watts made me for Valentine's Day? I still carry that with me in my scriptures." I was so thrilled to hear that. Then she said, "Hermana Emmot, whenever President Zivic travels on speaking assignments, he brings one of the last letters that you wrote him. He never says who wrote it, but he always shares it over the pulpit." I was really taken aback by that. I have always felt like my mission president never really took me very seriously. It's something I've always struggled with (even to this day), so that little comment meant the world to me. As she was telling me this, Elder Zivic walked over and said, "Yes, hermana, it really was a beautiful letter." Even now, I want to cry just thinking about it. It seems silly, but I really needed to hear that from him. I guess it was validation that he viewed me as a serious missionary... someone he can still quote four years later.

On Saturday afternoon, I saw the two of them again between conference sessions. After giving me a big hug, Elder Zivic held me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes with that happy grin of his, "Hermana, I've been thinking a lot about you lately and hoping I'd get to see you this weekend. I'm so glad you came. It's really been a pleasure to see you. Please, please keep in touch." These moments are the reason I used up my entire tax return (and then some!) to go to Utah. I could have gone home after that, and it would have all been worth it. Oh, but wait! There's more. I have this amazing friend from the mission who pulled some strings and got me front row seats. We were literally behind all the emeritus general authorities! It was unreal. Once in a lifetime opportunity! Some of the most memorable things about being that close were:

(1) Observing Elder Anderson's facial expressions as President Monson and others testified that he was called of God; it was clear (or so it seemed) he felt inadequate and unsure

(2) Watching Elder Bednar sing along with the choir

(3) Making eye contact with President Uchtdorf and him smiling down at me

(4) Sort of elbowing Elder Nelson because I didn't see him walking past me

(5) Seeing general authorities fall asleep during conference (now I don't feel so guilty!)

Those are the kind of things you miss out on by watching conference on TV or in one of the 21,000 seats behind us. Thanks, majo (or mozo, as Joaquina always called you). I'll repay the favor someday when you come visit me in Texas (though anything I could do would pale in comparison). What a great month. I love my life!

*Click here for the text version of his talk

L to R: Hermana Watts (one of my absolute favorite

companions), me, Hermana Zivic, and Elder Zivic

Hermana Anhder (another one of my favorite companions) and

me at conference. Check out how close we were!

Can you even believe it?! Amazing! :)

Let me paint you a picture...

Allow me to paint you a picture of my first weekend “away” at school. Wild parties? Boys? No, even better (LOL). I got into town on Saturday around 7 PM. One of my roommates was planning to spend the evening with friends in Austin and another was heading off to make apple crisp with a neighbor. I decided to use the evening to unpack and clean my room (yes, I like to live on the wild side). I finished unpacking my boxes and stepped out of the apartment to throw them in the dumpster. As I headed out the door, I thought “Maybe I should take my keys just in case my roommate leaves while I’m outside.” I quickly pushed that thought aside, assuming the chances of her leaving during that two minutes were pretty slim. (Do you see where I’m going with this?) As I was walking back to the apartment, I saw a girl across the parking lot rushing to her car. I thought, “Uh oh, what if that’s my roommate?!” Instead of calling out her name, like a normal person might do, I rushed to the front door to see if it was locked. What luck! It was. I rushed back out to the parking lot just as the red Mustang was pulling away and started yelling her name, flapping my arms in the air like a crazy person. Unfortunately she didn’t see me and peeled off into the night. So here I am at 9:30 on a Saturday night, wearing a pair of baggy sweats, a ratty old T-shirt that is LITERALLY three sizes too big, and my granny slippers (very warm and comfy, not so stylish). I had no idea what to do and I was mortified to be seen in those clothes, so I sat on the steps and waited. After about 30 minutes, I decided to look for my other roommate. I knew she was at a neighbor’s house, but I didn’t know which apartment she lived in. So… I started knocking on random doors, hoping to find her (or at least someone that knew her). First door: Hot guy wearing nothing but a skimpy towel. It was mortifying. I gave up after several doors proved unfruitful and decided to go sit. My roommate promised to bring home some apple crisp, so I knew she’d be back before it got too late. She finally showed up at about 10:30, at which point the story became funny (experiences like this are never very funny when you’re in the middle of them). Good times!

Church today was pretty cool. The branch here is much smaller than I expected, but the members are fantastic. Since it’s so tiny, it’s easy to notice the new people, and I was greeted by practically everyone. They made me feel right at home, and I have no doubt I will thrive here. What’s even more amazing is that during the opening hymn, a girl came into the chapel looking for a place to sit. I gestured for her to sit next to me, and she gratefully smiled down at me. Her face looked familiar, and it took me a minute to realize she looked just like my Madrid MTC companion. I didn’t believe it could actually be her, so I craned my neck to see her scriptures. Sure enough, it was. She just moved here for grad school. How amazing is that?! I haven’t seen her since we left Madrid 5½ years ago, and here she was sitting by my side. What a tender mercy! I can tell this is going to be a great semester. I’m so happy to be here.