Expressing appreciation

"Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate
someone, don’t keep it a secret." ~M. K. Ash

A few days ago my mom told me that she has always thought of me as a happy person. This statement really stood out to me for two reasons. First of all, I haven’t seen myself as the most positive person lately and was beginning to wonder if I’ve always been this way. Hearing her words helped me remember that I am happy by nature and gave me hope that I can be that way again. The second reason her comment meant so much was because she doesn’t typically offer encouraging words like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and have no doubt that she loves me. I remember the flood of emotions I felt when I read a paragraph she wrote about me in my application to Ricks College. She talked about attending one of my volleyball games and being impressed when I was the only one on my team who didn’t participate in a somewhat crude cheer. I didn’t even realize she had been watching me and felt so happy to learn I was acceptable in her eyes. Moments like that weren’t common in my family though. Most of us have a difficult time verbalizing our feelings toward each other.

Over the years, I’ve become increasingly aware of my inability to express myself to those I love. Sometimes I feel like I’m emotionally stunted. I was especially aware of this in my last relationship. No matter how much I wanted to, I found it impossible to adequately express myself to the guy I was dating. I sometimes practiced conversations in my head so I could tell him what I appreciated about him and let him know how much I cared. When the opportunity came for us to talk, I blushed and stuttered and really struggled to get the words out. It made me feel like an idiotic school girl, so I just kept my thoughts to myself most of the time. I’m sad to think of all the opportunities I missed to point out his good qualities and thank him for the little things he said or did to make me smile.

This is something I want to change about myself. I’ve been making it a point lately to tell my friends exactly what I appreciate about them. I’ll be honest; it’s been a real struggle for me. Sometimes I’m only able to do it via text messages or e-mail, but I guess that’s a start. Over time, I hope to turn this weakness into one of my greatest strengths. People need to know that they are loved and valued. They need to be reminded of their redeeming qualities. They need to know they are accepted, regardless of the mistakes they’ve made (or will make). They need to feel safe in sharing their hopes and dreams, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding. I hope to feel that sense of safety in my next relationship. In order to feel that, though, I realize I need to first share more of myself. I’m a work in progress.

Backfired love

Remember that post from yesterday? Can I please just take it all back?

OK, I don't really mean that - I'm just feeling frustrated right now. I hate when things I say come back to bite me in the butt. When I said I was going to love people more openly, I didn't realize just how vulnerable that would make me. Tonight I realized that if you're too kind and loving, it's that much easier for people to take advantage of you. Can't people just appreciate being loved instead of using it to their advantage? If it's so important to care about people, why does it sometimes leave me feeling so empty? Blah!

On a positive note, this experience reminds me just how lucky I am for the friends who don't take advantage of me but actually love me back. Fortunately, those kind of friends far outweigh the ones who take me for granted. So... thank you, my friends. I'm grateful to have you in my life. :)

Loving others, loving ourselves

I have an immense capacity for love; loving others comes quickly and naturally to me. I appreciate this about myself and consider it a special gift. However, I've learned to be very careful with this gift, as it often leads to disappointment and heartbreak. The other day I read a blog that helped me realize I shouldn't be so apprehensive when it comes to loving others. Rather, I should openly share that love with those around me, regardless of whether or not they are able to return it. I've started applying this in my friendships and already feel much better about life.

I've decided that my loving nature is my favorite quality. What do you like most about yourself? I asked this question on Facebook last night, and below are some of the responses I received. What can you add to this list? Post your response in the comments.

• I have amazing eyelashes and a kind heart (K.G.)
• That my body can grow great babies, and that I am creative (S.G.)
  
• That I have a kind and loving heart and a beautiful daughter of God (D.L.)
  
• My ability to laugh in the face of great trial and adversity and ... well... pretty much everything to be honest (D.G.)
  
• My curiosity... I always want to learn more and know more about just about anything (C.W.)
  
• I'm learning to love my new scar, which reminds me everyday that I beat cancer (M.P.)
  
• What I like the most is that I am a hard worker, and that my self-esteem is robust and healthy (C.T.)
  
• i'm quick to forgive. i also really like that i have such a great appetite....mostly for chocolate chip cookies and ice cream :) (A.M.)
  

Hugs

I love hugs. They make me feel loved and protected and just plain happy. If I don’t hug you every time I see you, we’re probably not very close. That’s just how it is.

So anyway… there’s this guy I used to have a mini crush on. We went out a couple of months ago, and I realized he will likely never be anything more than a friend. Some people just belong in the friend box.* One thing that tells me we will never progress beyond friendship is that the dude cannot hug. Seriously! Every time we say goodbye, it’s the most awkward experience ever. It’s like that uncomfortable first kiss you see on TV where the people bump foreheads or noses or teeth. Yes, it’s that awkward. Can two people be so incompatible that they can’t even hug properly? After I last saw him, I decided I’m downgrading him to the “friendly acquaintance” level. What’s the point of hugging someone when you always walk away feeling like a complete idiot afterward? No point.

Am I the only person this ever happens to?

*For all of you married people who are secretly judging me please understand that I’m not writing this guy off after only one date. Truth be told, I’d probably go out with him again if he asked - I just know it’ll never go anywhere. Cut me some slack.

Smiles :)

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at work and began smiling for no reason. First I wondered what triggered the smile. Then I questioned, When did smiling become such a foreign concept to me? I've been thinking about that ever since.

You see, people often used to comment on the fact that I always had a smile on my face. Most of the time I didn't even realize I was smiling; it was second-nature to me. When I realized recently that smiling had become a rarity for me, it made me kind of sad. To me smiles symbolize hope, happiness, and healing. The fact I wasn't smiling was an outward representation of the frustrations and hopelessness I had experienced this year.

Fortunately, that sporadic smile was the first of many. Suddenly, smiling feels effortless again. This is partly because I survived one of the most horrid semesters of my life (yay!). But mostly it's because of three amazing women who came into my life at the exact moment I needed them. They brought me laughter when all I wanted to do was cry. They offered me unconditional love and acceptance when I didn't even know how to love myself. These ladies exude positivity. Being around them, I can't help but smile and be happy. Their friendship brought the sunshine back into my life.  For that, I'll be forever grateful.

The smiling Rebecca is back! And I must say, it feels pretty darn good. :)

In everyone's life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
     ~Albert Schweitzer

Forget about maybe

I adore Ingrid Michaelson, as many of you already know, so I was excited to see her latest video, Maybe, on YouTube a few minutes ago. Adoration aside, I’m not really sure what to think about the song (you can read the lyrics here).

Part of me loves it because I can totally relate to the whole mentality of "pining away" for someone and hoping they'll eventually come back to you. The other part of me hates it…for the same reasons I like it, actually. I guess it hits too close to home. Why do we do this to ourselves? Seriously, why give someone up if you don't want them to leave? Shouldn't we be fighting to keep them in our lives? And when we do decide to say goodbye, shouldn't that be the end of it? Why torture ourselves with all of those maybes?

It's unhealthy to hold onto the hope that someday that person will come around and realize how wonderful you are and how much they need you in their life. If they don't recognize it now, chances are they won't six months or even five years from now. All of those thoughts of "maybe you're gonna come back" are just a waste of time and energy. Forget about that misguided proverb of setting something free and waiting for it to come back. That's a load of crock, if you ask me. I say you should let it go, walk away, lock your door, and move on.

The end

The 80/20 Rule

At Institute a few weeks ago, the instructor taught us his "80/20 rule" for dating and courtship. He said that when we're dating we have a tendency to rule people out too quickly based on their flaws. He went on to explain that a good rule of thumb is to pay attention to what you like and dislike about that person. If you appreciate/love at least 80% and only dislike about 20%, hold on tight! We're all so different that 20% "bad" in a mate is actually pretty darn good. I chuckled a little when he shared this with us, but it really struck me. Heck, considering all of my crazy tendencies, my only hope is that someone will use that rule with me. The least I can do is follow it myself. Ha ha!

Since then I've applied this rule in my life not only in dating situations but in friendships too. And I'll tell you what, it really helps. Every time I wanted to give up on a certain someone, I thought back to this rule. I constantly reminded myself, Rebecca, this guy is at least an 85/15, so don't freak out. The point in all of this, I suppose, is to quit focusing on the negative. That 80% is so much more important than the 20%, wouldn't you agree?

But...

(Did you sense that there would be a but?)

When you are trying to move on from a relationship that has just ended, go ahead and ignore that 80 and focus on the 20. It works like a charm! After talking to a friend on the phone last night, I realized I needed to sit down and do this. I wrote (with amazing ease, I might add) a list of about forty reasons why I needed to move on with my life. Every time one of the 80 popped into my head, I quickly pushed it aside and replaced it with one of the 20. Now whenever I feel lonely or sad, I'll just look at this list. Emotional crisis averted.

PS: Some of you may have noticed that I deleted my Facebook account. I just needed a little breather to get me through to the end of the semester. Not to worry, I'll be back. But until then, keep sending me your love through blog comments and/or phone calls. :)

My Best Friends: My Sisters

My sister, Heather, came for a visit this week. That meant that four out of the five sisters were here. It was fantastic! (We missed you, Rachel.) I don't know how other families are, but when we girls get together, it's complete chaos. We always end up staying awake until the wee hours of the morning (the magic time this week was 4:30 am) talking, laughing, and crying until our throats and sides are sore. There was more crying than usual this time (three out of the four of us were a bit emotional), but it was nice to have each other to lean on. I miss that. I miss reminiscing about old times and making fun of our "whiskey tango" childhood. I miss having people around me who love me unconditionally; people who know who I was but still love who I am. I sometimes wonder how we all turned out so normal, considering some of the crap we went through. I feel grateful I didn't have to go through as much as my older siblings, but I'm happy for the lot I was given. I'm a stronger person because of it, and I don't regret a thing. Ok, maybe that's not the complete truth. But...I have learned from it all, and I try to use that in times (like now) when I don't feel quite so strong. I'm learning to find strength within myself. But when it's difficult to find that strength, it's nice to know I have four wonderful friends I can turn to: My sisters.

PS: I hate this picture of me, but it's the most recent picture I have of all of us