My List

Tonight I was flipping through my journal and stopped on an entry that I wanted to share with you:

March 23, 2011

I really should be going to bed, but I had a moment of clarity today, and I needed to write it down. It hit me that my ex isn't the right guy for me. The right guy will want to be around me all the time. He'll think I'm beautiful and will make sure I know that. He'll make me a priority in his life, regardless of whatever else he's dealing with. With him, I'll never question whether or not he's "into me" because he'll show me in the way he looks at me and how he touches me. He will want to kiss me and won't let months of dating pass by without at least trying. He'll hold my hand. He'll hug me more than just to say hello or goodbye. I won't have to work so hard to get him to pay attention to me or want to spend time with me - he'll do it on his own. I won't feel inadequate or ugly or unworthy of his love. I will feel like we are equally yoked. I'll be able to openly share my sadness and frustrations without worrying that I'm a burden on him. I will be myself and will be happy doing so. I will feel cherished. I won't doubt his intentions. I will feel secure in our relationship. I will put his needs above my own, but he will do the same for me. That way we will both be taken care of. These are things I hope for in a companion. I'm not saying he has to have/do all of these things, but I would like him to strive for it. I want to be loved and honored and cherished. These aren't things my ex is capable of doing for me. I hope he'll be able to do that for someone someday, but in my heart, I know I'm not that girl. I hate admitting that because I love him so much. I'm grateful that I love him, though, because it gives me hope in finding love again. It also gives me a guideline for what I can expect in the future. I'm sure Heavenly Father has someone amazing in store for me - someone with most of the qualities I adore in my ex but who can fill in the gaps where he was lacking. I hope I can find that guy. And I hope I can be the girl he has hoped for. I'm definitely a work in progress.

I've often wondered if I had unrealistic hopes of what I wanted in a companion. I avoided making those dreaded lists of what I was looking for because I felt they filled people with an unhealthy desire to hold out for that perfect person. Without realizing it at the time, however, I made one of those lists three months ago in that journal entry. As I read my simple words tonight, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. I never would have imagined that only one month after writing and praying about them, I would find the exact man I wrote about. What a tender mercy! If I ever start doubting the Lord's hand in my life or feel that he's not answering my prayers, I will look back at this journal entry. It reminds me that I am not alone; I am honored and cherished by a loving Heavenly Father. All I have to do is ask and wait in faith, and he will answer my prayers. This knowledge gives me hope.

... But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
(1 Nephi 1:20)

Forget about maybe

I adore Ingrid Michaelson, as many of you already know, so I was excited to see her latest video, Maybe, on YouTube a few minutes ago. Adoration aside, I’m not really sure what to think about the song (you can read the lyrics here).

Part of me loves it because I can totally relate to the whole mentality of "pining away" for someone and hoping they'll eventually come back to you. The other part of me hates it…for the same reasons I like it, actually. I guess it hits too close to home. Why do we do this to ourselves? Seriously, why give someone up if you don't want them to leave? Shouldn't we be fighting to keep them in our lives? And when we do decide to say goodbye, shouldn't that be the end of it? Why torture ourselves with all of those maybes?

It's unhealthy to hold onto the hope that someday that person will come around and realize how wonderful you are and how much they need you in their life. If they don't recognize it now, chances are they won't six months or even five years from now. All of those thoughts of "maybe you're gonna come back" are just a waste of time and energy. Forget about that misguided proverb of setting something free and waiting for it to come back. That's a load of crock, if you ask me. I say you should let it go, walk away, lock your door, and move on.

The end

Epiphany

I went to the movies tonight with a guy I met at church. Whether or not it was a date is still a mystery to me, but I'm assuming it was supposed to be. Anyway, we went out to ice cream afterward, even though I was exhausted after a busy couple of days at work. As I sat there sipping my shake, it seemed like the guy was trying to "sell" himself to me. He was probably just nervous, but he went on and on about his plans for the future and his past accomplishments for a good ten minutes before he finally asked me about myself. I barely got one sentence in before he started talking again. My eyes glazed over as he spoke, and I found myself wishing the evening would end. I'm sure my exhaustion contributed to my lack of enthusiasm, but I just wasn’t feeling it and began planning my exit strategy. Then it hit me:

I've been here before.

On almost every first date I've ever been on, I'm ready to call it quits before the night is even over. This guy reminded me too much of the last guy I went out with. The one before him seemed too eager. The guy before that didn't even get a first date because I didn't like the way he looked at me. There’s always something. Why is my first instinct to run away? At first I thought it was because only the weird guys are attracted to me. Tonight I realized that I am probably the weirdo. I give up on people before I even give them a fair chance. If someone makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable, or if the chemistry isn't there from day 1, I'm done. That's probably not fair. I started thinking about a friend of mine who constantly dates. Even if she's not sure about the guy, she keeps dating him. The relationship eventually develops or fizzles out. The difference is that she allows it to run its course, whereas I end it before the appetizers have even been served. I want to change that about myself. Do you have any suggestions for how I can do that? I'm gonna start by accepting a second date with this guy, if he even asks me. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't; I was pretty dull tonight. Date with caution when you're drowsy. LOL

Things that have been on my mind lately...

Why do companies suddenly decide to stop selling the ONE product you are attached to? Last year, my favorite toothbrush was discontinued. It wasn't anything fancy - just a simple, inexpensive, but very effective toothbrush. I still haven't found a replacement that works as well and fits to my teeth as perfectly as that one did. Sad day. At least I still had my favorite toothpaste, though. But guess what?! That, too, has been snatched from me. Over the past few weeks, I've searched all over San Marcos, as well as a few places in San Antonio; it's nowhere to be found! I now have three different types of toothpaste in my medicine cabinet, all of which either tear my mouth apart or taste gross...or both. This might seem weird to you, but I take oral hygiene very seriously. I'm so aggravated.

I wonder why I feel the need to constantly update my Facebook status. I'm such a private person, so why must I tell hundreds of people my innermost thoughts and feelings? It's not like I want to explain it to any of them. In fact, I usually don't want anyone to know what I really mean; I just need to write it down for some reason. It's really weird. Sometimes I even target my status to a specific person, assuming he'll see it and wonder if it's about him. How dumb is that? Also, I secretly get annoyed at people who don't update their status regularly. Especially people who have been on Facebook multiple times since their last update. And get this: When I'm out doing stuff around town or at school, I often think to myself: "That would be a funny status update." What is wrong with me?! I'm hooked on the "what's on your mind?" box.

Isn't it annoying when you take your car to the Wal-Mart "Quick Lube" and they tell you there's a two-hour wait... so you wander aimlessly around the store looking at stupid things you don't need, spending money you don't have for two painful hours before finally going to see if your car is ready... only to see on the receipt that they finished the job 20 minutes after you dropped it off? No phone call, no intercom page, no nothing. That's annoying. I hate Wal-Mart.

How come your car will make awkward noises for months, only to stop the day you actually get around to taking it to the shop? How does that even make sense?!

Why when you're thinking about someone you want to get over does he post a comment on your Facebook profile or leave you a cute voicemail? It's really annoying and not helpful. Or better yet: You get a notification that he posted something on your wall, only to find that he deleted it before you could even read it, which, of course, leaves you wondering what he had to say and why he didn't just leave it there. That's even more annoying. (Can you tell I'm checking Facebook while writing this blog? True story. Just happened.)

Speaking of which, do you agree with this article? I'm just curious. Maybe my problem is that I'm trying to stay friends with this guy (not an ex-boyfriend, just someone I dated for a while and am clearly still crazy about). Should I just delete him from my life? How do I go about doing that? I'm not sure I'm strong enough. Any thoughts?

Here I go again, spewing the contents of my brain/heart for all the world to see. I guess that's why I called this blog "You Read My Mind." After all, what is a blog good for if not to spill your every thought, doubt, fear, etc.? This is me, world. Take it or leave it.

Until next time...

The 80/20 Rule

At Institute a few weeks ago, the instructor taught us his "80/20 rule" for dating and courtship. He said that when we're dating we have a tendency to rule people out too quickly based on their flaws. He went on to explain that a good rule of thumb is to pay attention to what you like and dislike about that person. If you appreciate/love at least 80% and only dislike about 20%, hold on tight! We're all so different that 20% "bad" in a mate is actually pretty darn good. I chuckled a little when he shared this with us, but it really struck me. Heck, considering all of my crazy tendencies, my only hope is that someone will use that rule with me. The least I can do is follow it myself. Ha ha!

Since then I've applied this rule in my life not only in dating situations but in friendships too. And I'll tell you what, it really helps. Every time I wanted to give up on a certain someone, I thought back to this rule. I constantly reminded myself, Rebecca, this guy is at least an 85/15, so don't freak out. The point in all of this, I suppose, is to quit focusing on the negative. That 80% is so much more important than the 20%, wouldn't you agree?

But...

(Did you sense that there would be a but?)

When you are trying to move on from a relationship that has just ended, go ahead and ignore that 80 and focus on the 20. It works like a charm! After talking to a friend on the phone last night, I realized I needed to sit down and do this. I wrote (with amazing ease, I might add) a list of about forty reasons why I needed to move on with my life. Every time one of the 80 popped into my head, I quickly pushed it aside and replaced it with one of the 20. Now whenever I feel lonely or sad, I'll just look at this list. Emotional crisis averted.

PS: Some of you may have noticed that I deleted my Facebook account. I just needed a little breather to get me through to the end of the semester. Not to worry, I'll be back. But until then, keep sending me your love through blog comments and/or phone calls. :)

But what about Plan A?!

I'm not the type who constantly bemoans her "single" status or can't be happy without a man by her side. I love my independence, am generally a very happy person, and am grateful beyond words for all the amazing experiences I've had because I'm single. Some days, though, I just wonder what gives. Ever since Elder Oaks first gave his talk about dating vs. hanging out, I've felt like I needed to have a more solid Plan B. Plan A, of course, is to get married and start a family; Plan B is what I should be doing in the meantime. His words still ring in my ears:

If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. You may never have the opportunity for a suitable marriage in this life, so stop waiting and start moving. Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience, and planning. Don’t wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself. And trust in the Lord. (Click here for the full talk.)

So here I am four years later, fully immersed in my Plan B. I quit my mindless job and came back to school full-time to earn the degree I've always dreamed of. I volunteer at an agency that has completely opened my eyes and given me hope for a brighter future. I have great plans to someday save the world, one person at a time. But you know what? My Plan B pales in comparison to Plan A. Don't get me wrong; I have a rockin' Plan B. I love it. I talk about it as if it's the most important thing in the world to me. But I'll let you in on a little secret: It's not. I'd give it all up for my Plan A. In a heartbeat.

So what gives? What gives?! I'm just wondering...

I wonder if somehow while perfecting my Plan B, I forgot to also work towards my Plan A. Did I overlook any Plan A "prospects" because I was too focused on Plan B? Have I missed my chance for Plan A? Can I possibly have both Plan A and Plan B? These are just a few of the questions that have been polluting my mind over the past couple of weeks. I'm just throwing them out into the universe hoping I'll somehow be able to make sense of it all.

My love language

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of touch. Quite a few months back, Chrissy gave us a quiz to determine our love language. Mine was physical touch. My close friends laughed when they heard this because they know how freaked out I can be when the wrong person touches me. That's because touch can either be a very positive or a very negative thing, depending on where it's coming from. I offer some recent examples.

On Friday night I slept over at my sister's house. Early this morning I woke up to the feeling of little hands touching my feet. A moment later, I opened my eyes to see this cute little face (Austin) peering over the couch at me.


He was beaming with excitement and exclaimed "Becky!" He was just thrilled to see me. Following closely behind him was this little guy (Liam, 3-1/2 years):

I opened up my blanket, and both kiddos crawled up onto the couch to cuddle with me. It was the best wakeup call ever! A little while later I stumbled into the living room where they were watching cartoons. Austin saw me come in and again squealed "Becky!" He then started patting the couch, motioning for me to sit by him, so I obeyed. After I sat down, he scooted over into the crook of my arm and leaned up against me for the next 30 minutes. It melts my heart to even think about it. These are examples of the good kind of touching, the kind that I can't get enough of.

Sometimes, however, touch has quite the opposite affect. Tonight was the adult session of stake conference. I got there right before it started and quickly found a seat. One of my friends came and sat in the chair to my left. Instead of sitting in the middle of his chair, though, he decided to sit so he was practically in my lap. I kept scooting more and more to my right to avoid being smashed up against him. No such luck; he responded to that by leaning even closer. Then he kept nudging me with his shoulder, trying to get my attention. When I would look over at him, he would respond with a "bouncing eyebrow" and a grin. I failed to see the humor in that situation. The whole time I kept comparing his size to the size of every other person around me. Could he possibly be so big that he can't help but spill over into my personal space? Nope, not the case. So I spent most of the session with my arms tightly folded, trying to make myself as small as possible. At one point, he even reached over and started rubbing my hand, asking if I was cold. I quickly jerked away (pure reflex), and now I feel bad because I think he was offended. It was awkward beyond awkward, though. I was just so uncomfortable, wishing I would have stayed home to study. That is the kind of thing that makes people think I'm anti-touch. If my instinct is to flinch when you touch me, there's likely something wrong (i.e., don't touch me).

While touching sends powerful messages, so does NOT touching. I've had this conversation with a few of you, some of whom think I'm a whack-job for feeling this way. I'm gonna repeat it anyway. When I'm dating a guy I feel like there needs to be a bit of physical contact after you've been out a few times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type who wants my date to be hanging all over me (especially not in public) or who wants too much physical contact too quickly. A little bit of physical affection would be nice though: hold my hand, put your arm around me, hug me, sit close to me, touch my hair... something! Sweet words are nice -- and they certainly make me smile -- but if you make no effort to touch me, I'm going to forget all of that sweetness and worry that you're not really interested after all (no matter how many times you tell me you are). Dating without any sort of physical contact puts you dangerously close to the friend zone. I'm just sayin'...