Hugs

I love hugs. They make me feel loved and protected and just plain happy. If I don’t hug you every time I see you, we’re probably not very close. That’s just how it is.

So anyway… there’s this guy I used to have a mini crush on. We went out a couple of months ago, and I realized he will likely never be anything more than a friend. Some people just belong in the friend box.* One thing that tells me we will never progress beyond friendship is that the dude cannot hug. Seriously! Every time we say goodbye, it’s the most awkward experience ever. It’s like that uncomfortable first kiss you see on TV where the people bump foreheads or noses or teeth. Yes, it’s that awkward. Can two people be so incompatible that they can’t even hug properly? After I last saw him, I decided I’m downgrading him to the “friendly acquaintance” level. What’s the point of hugging someone when you always walk away feeling like a complete idiot afterward? No point.

Am I the only person this ever happens to?

*For all of you married people who are secretly judging me please understand that I’m not writing this guy off after only one date. Truth be told, I’d probably go out with him again if he asked - I just know it’ll never go anywhere. Cut me some slack.

Leaving our nets

Have you ever told someone to call you if they ever needed anything?  Sure you have.  I can't tell you how often I've used that phrase in my lifetime: To new church members, to family members, to coworkers, to the sisters I visit teach, etc.  It's one of those polite things people say but that nobody pays much attention to, like "How are you?" Never once has someone taken me up on my offer to help if they ever needed anything.  Not until tonight, that is. I answered a call from an unknown number and was shocked to hear the voice on the other end.  It was someone I've spent a very limited amount of time with but who recently cut me out of her life (even though I was hardly a part of her life to begin with) because she "needed a break" from all things church-related.  That's why I was so surprised to receive her call.  I was especially surprised when she said, "I remember you saying I could always call if I needed anything. I feel really bad asking for your help, but I need it."

Wow!  She called ME.  I hesitated at first because her request was somewhat inconvenient and I didn't know how to manage it around my school schedule.  Then I realized something.  In life we are given rare opportunities to prove what we're made of, and we have to be careful not to let those moments pass us by.  Do I want to be that person who worries more about how *I* will be inconvenienced, rather than about helping a friend in need?  Or do I want to be the one who tosses her nets aside and acts?  We need to take advantage of these small opportunities, regardless of whether or not they fit conveniently into our busy schedules.  Maybe this is my moment to prove that I'm not quite as selfish as I think I am.  Maybe this is my chance to make a difference in somebody's life who is really struggling right now.  Who knows?  There's a good chance I'll never hear from this girl again after I do this favor. That doesn't really matter. What matters is that I chose to respond when the call was made.

Will you do the same?

Roommate Bonding

Guess what my roommate and I did this weekend to celebrate the end of the semester? Yep. Good times. I love my life. :)

Smiles :)

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at work and began smiling for no reason. First I wondered what triggered the smile. Then I questioned, When did smiling become such a foreign concept to me? I've been thinking about that ever since.

You see, people often used to comment on the fact that I always had a smile on my face. Most of the time I didn't even realize I was smiling; it was second-nature to me. When I realized recently that smiling had become a rarity for me, it made me kind of sad. To me smiles symbolize hope, happiness, and healing. The fact I wasn't smiling was an outward representation of the frustrations and hopelessness I had experienced this year.

Fortunately, that sporadic smile was the first of many. Suddenly, smiling feels effortless again. This is partly because I survived one of the most horrid semesters of my life (yay!). But mostly it's because of three amazing women who came into my life at the exact moment I needed them. They brought me laughter when all I wanted to do was cry. They offered me unconditional love and acceptance when I didn't even know how to love myself. These ladies exude positivity. Being around them, I can't help but smile and be happy. Their friendship brought the sunshine back into my life.  For that, I'll be forever grateful.

The smiling Rebecca is back! And I must say, it feels pretty darn good. :)

In everyone's life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
     ~Albert Schweitzer

Broken: Me. Friendships.

This has been an odd year for me. Everything in my life seems out of whack right now: school, work, church, my financial situation, my relationships. I’m not motivated in school, I can’t focus, and I don’t enjoy life like I once did. I just haven’t been myself. I keep telling my friends that I’m broken. Never has that felt truer than in recent days.

You see, I broke two friendships in the past week. One of them was with someone whom I love very much but just haven’t felt any sort of connection with lately. This might be due to my “broken” state of being, or it might be that the friendship has simply run its course. At any rate, it became clear that I needed to end our friendship, so I did it. While I’m heartbroken that I hurt her in that way, I’m convinced it was the right thing for me. Unfortunately, we still have to see each other at church events, and it’s just plain awkward.

Enter person number two. Remember how I said that everything in my life has felt out of whack this year? Well, there was actually one thing (i.e., a cool guy) that *did* feel good and right. Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy ended a few weeks ago, and now I’m back to feeling completely out of sorts. I would have done anything for him and stood by him through everything, so I was surprised that he wasn’t going to let me anymore. Things ended amicably but I’ve had a difficult time even being around him. Anyway, when I saw him last Wednesday night I felt like things were finally going to be OK. It was the first time in weeks that my chest didn’t tighten at the sight of him, and I could actually breathe. I felt at peace.

That peace ended quickly. The next day I got offended over something silly and sent him a heated e-mail. He could easily have written me off but instead took the time to patiently explain where he was coming from. I felt about two inches tall when I read his e-mail and quickly sent an apology. In my response, I explained to him why I reacted the way I did and thanked him for his patience with me. His short reply stated he would need some time to “digest” what I said before responding. That was several days ago. I’m not sure what I said that he needed to process first, but my intuition tells me it’s not good. I have a feeling that what I thought was a heartfelt apology only added to the hurt I already caused him. I’m at a loss for what to do. Things just aren’t going right for me this year.

"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." ~Tom Gates

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." ~Ambrose Bierce

Down With Love

I have a million different thoughts jumbled up inside me, but I can't seem to get any of them out. Once I do, I'm sure I'll have some brilliant beyond brilliant blogs to share with you (sorry it's been so long). Until then, here's a quote that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling these past few weeks.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman

Watch your step

Blonde Roommate has a cat that she absolutely adores. Cat likes to lie in front of my bedroom door so I trip over him when leaving for work in the wee hours of the morning. He is also quite smelly and likes to overeat. Because Cat overeats, it’s not uncommon for him to spew the contents of his stomach in random places all over the apartment. And it’s definitely not unusual for my bare feet to happen upon said throw up first thing in the morning while pouring myself a bowl of shredded wheat. It’s not something you want to feel between your toes, I’ll tell you that much. Needless to say, I’m not Cat’s biggest fan. So… does it make me a bad person that I laughed when I saw a large pile of steaming vomit just inside Blonde Roommate’s immaculate bedroom?